Thursday, April 26, 2012

The world is stupid.

Maybe I'm getting pulled along. Maybe they're all helping. Fuck it, but I don't even feel like I'm in a sortof-relationship with him. This is all some Dear Couple clusterfuck, and.


Talking to Dear Husband today, some things I said:
AGH. I'm frustrated, because I don't want to justify my attraction, my interest, my WHATEVER to anyone except him. And I don't even want to fucking justify it to him, I just want him to accept it! And I've heard a great explanation for his jackassery a half-dozen times from you and Dear Wife, but I don't intend to be in a relationship with you or Dear Wife.

OBVIOUSLY there's a trust issue, and I'm sure it's justified.

But nothing can come 'with time' if he isn't talking to me.
And right now? I'm okay with him not talking.
We're not together.
We're acting as two separate individuals with fucked-up stressed lives who need to work things out before we can start communicating in a meaningful way.

It's...I'm there.
I'm focusing on me right now. I'm doing hw and writing papers and whatever else.
But whenever he gets around to asking, I'm there.
But I'm tired of talking about waiting, or about how things did or didn't go or how they might or might not continue.

This conversation is missing a big chunk of him giving his opinions, and it's not fair for me to even guess at what things might look like until he does.
It's great to hear about him through you, but I can't base anything on that.
In the end it just drives me crazy.

So. Sorry for flipping out. I just feel like, when asked to examine my feelings, I'm going to end up entertaining thoughts that really will just end up getting me burned again.
He hasn't even made it clear if he wants to pursue anything.
Rather, he's made it VERY clear that he isn't comfortable with a relationship right now.
So as much as I'd like to go ON AND ON about the way I fill with bubbles and all my muscles go taut and I want to grab his hand when he's around just to get some grounding --
Sorry, but I put myself out there once already.

And I can't fucking entertain those thoughts right now.

Anyway. I've put myself out there. I made it clear I was interested, I pursued him.
I chased and chased and clarified that whatever he wanted, I was interested in it.
And fuck if I still don't know what he wants.
Except 'space'.
So that's what he's getting and I'm keeping my feelings under wraps, 'cos they haven't done me any good so far.

So that's how I feel
. It's a lot more head-over-heels than I expected, and I feel like he should hear it, and it frustrates me that he WON'T FUCKING LISTEN.

Y'know, it's not even fair. He obviously doesn't know who I am, or -- he shouldn't be afraid of me. Except maybe of pissing me off. But there's no reason to be scared. And I can't imagine that he actually cares about me. The way he's acted. He hasn't asked once what I want. And y'know what? I do want! I have thoughts and opinions and if I'm gonna fucking compromise does he really think he's gonna act like I'm not even compromising? This isn't easy for me! Why am I making all these concessions? And he won't even exchange fucking small talk? Tell me how his day's been? What's his problem? How about he call me up sometime, and get over himself?

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