Move In

My wrist says OUTLAW POWER. Last night I drank two gin and tonics after a margarita and danced on a pole. I know he loves me. I never have to worry about that, and yet...a move like this, so quickly, after only three months -- WHAT IF I feel like I'm making myself so vulnerable, opening myself up to pain and I've had that. I'm no a real orphan, starving or anything like that, but I've had a life.

Do I trust this man not to hurt me? It says so much, how he treats his exes...he's sweet and wonderful and NICE, and everyone knows it. What if he leaves me? It's been eight months since Ethan and twenty-five since my dad, and this is a choice for me to make. He's in this. He makes bad jokes, but he loves me, crazy and all. I have to decide if I trust him enough to make this situation, this absurd set of circumstances, official. I know I love him because it would hurt so badly if he were gone. Although, is that how one defines love? He makes me happy, and I don't get tired of him. I can't imagine I ever would, but I fear that he will me. It's absurd. I want this. Through all three months I've screamed my fear and rushed headlong and sometimes tripped on my own laces and he's always caught me. He's there. He loves me. I don't have anything to fear. Just fall. He'll catch me.

Three Days

Friday he learned I take every challenge offered. The office was full and quiet, so I had him come by and spent perhaps a half-hour sitting on his lap and talking in my boss's office. Just as things were winding down he made an offhand comment about sex in an office, and I took that as an invitation to close the door and unzip my dress.

The look on his face was beautiful, and he hurried to zip me up again. So I spent the next ten minutes or so teasing him, and then the whole way to the car murmuring my intentions, once we were home. The car ride was spent grazing my teeth along his finger pads and sucking on his earlobe. Even in bed I refused to strip; rather, I took the opportunity to pin him to the bed naked and kiss every inch of him with an eye for erogenous zones.

Needless to say the sex was mindblowing, and I was rather pleased his roommate had gone out of town, because I wouldn't have liked to keep those screams to myself.

Saturday I met his sister and friends, and made an impression such that she sent to his phone shortly afterward, "Judging complete. We'll be very angry if you screw things up with her." He went out with friends to the bars, and woke me up when he got in because he wanted to talk to me before he went to sleep. There was much more, but some trading of "I love you"s happened here.

Sunday we listened to music, after a short attempt at studying. The culmination was in this song, which he says is his song for me.

I liiiiiiike him.

Pretty sure I saw Hardy in public yesterday when I was walking to meet Hot Rod. I looked good, dressed to the nines and wearing a fedora, and I was grinning like an idiot because, well, I was going to meet Hot Rod. I'd left my purse in his car, and he'd stopped by especially to bring it to me, and nothing makes me grin quite so much as a sexy man on a sunny day. Anyway, it just made me think, I was looking for a human connection back when Hardy happened, and I realize now -- maybe because I'm arse over teakettle for Hot Rod -- that I was never going to have the sort of connection I was looking for with him.

Last night the fella and I snuggled half-naked on his living room couch and watched Silkwood and drank Sprite and ate kettle corn and kissed and then I bolted to the bedroom in my underwear when the roommate came home, and then passed out on his bed. Dunno how that happened, but a guy who'll kiss me lightly then curl into bed with me because he doesn't want to wake me up, and with whom I'll laugh and joke until we're both late and still don't want to get out of bed and he'll give me three goodbye kisses when he drops me off at class, and we're supposed to grab lunch today just because...jeez, well, he's some kind of guy.

Flan

So things are going really, really well. It's assumed at this point that we'll spend the night together, though not that we'll have sex -- which is kinda lovely, if you think about it for any time at all. I've got a pretty regular sleep schedule because he does and I get morning kisses and -- yeah, it's magic. Last night, though, we were talking about things we liked, and there were all sorts of other foods - bagel sandwiches and ham sandwiches and salt and vinegar chips -- and the we were talking desserts we loved, like bear claws, and he said, "You're like flan. Sweet, and I love you, and a soft skin -- yeah, flan has skin..." and I was way too caught up on that middle bit, which apparently he said without thinking, but now "Flan" is this joke, somewhere between a tease about a misspeak and "I love you, too." I guess we'll see where it goes. I really don't think I'm ready to say those words, not at this point, but, shit, just read this exchange:

Me: Dresses?

Hot Rod: :D

Me: Pizza?

Hot Rod: :D

Me: Dancing barefoot in the dark with no-one else around except maybe me. And probably kissing.

Hot Rod: :D !

Me: Thin paintbrush doodling on skin with washable paint then kissing in the shower and watching color run everywhere.

Hot Rod: <3

Me: Kissing in the elevator in the middle of the day - then looping the moment so we never have to say goodbye.

Hot Rod: :)

Me: Pitching a tent by the lakeside and laughing at the rocks in our backs and curling up naked to keep warm.

Hot Rod: I miss you :(

Lassen

He makes me want to wash dishes, to shave my legs and make my bed and cook jasmine rice and ginger chicken because the idea made him smile.
He makes me want to wrap my arms around him, curled under the covers naked in his bed.
I like the way he rests a hand against my back when we're walking through a store or along the street together. I like how he'll wrap his fingers in mine a little unevenly and just leaves it that way because it's not the placement of fingers that's right, but just that we're  wrapped up together.

He makes it really hard to take things slow, but I'm listening to this song on repeat, so we'll see, right?

I don't want to (This is the sound of falling)

I don't want to fall in love. It's painful, and messy, and just leaves you with scars and alcoholic tendencies. But I do want:

to dance in the dark
to kiss him up against walls until his fingers crawl under my shirt, slip against my back and pull me in tighter
until we fit together so well I want to hold onto the moment to infinity
to watch Star Trek with him and make jokes about Data and
drink tea that's too hot
and talk about the amazing chai at the bagel shop
and hold hands just because
touch anytime we're close
and smile because he's there, or he's not there
but I think
(he tells me)
he's thinking of me.

Yeah, I don't much like sleeping alone. Just sayin'.

Songs

In a conversation with Pink the other day we discussed relationship songs, and it made me think of the ones that make me think of men:

Arch

Turkic

Finn

Hot Rod

Yeah, feel free to judge. It's alright. I'm sick, so I'll blame this on Nyquil if it comes down to it.

Peace

I'm trying (and we'll see if I succeed) to train him to do what he wants -- with the hope that what he wants is me. But kicking him in the butt to run out the door when he's late for work and still has to head home and change...

Neither of us are getting much sleep, me maybe less so, at least last night. Woke up at seven, made breakfast and then had some sex -- SO EXHAUSTED now sitting in class. It's funny, 'cos it's new and tenuous, but it's like we've fallen into a routine of sorts, and he really seems to like sleeping with me (even when it's just sleep!). And we've woken up together the last three nights in a row, twice at his and once at mine, and the sex isn't absurdly amazing or exactly what I want or all the time, but it's good, and kissing him good morning is so much better.

And this song:

Thinking of him

What's happening here? Besides that I'm wired on espresso? ESpresso. Besides that I like rolling over and kissing him? Or joking that I've seduced him and hearing him agree? That he says I'll be his inspiration to stop stretching his schedule...I like him.

What I Want Him to Understand

You say you're going out for a few drinks with the guys, and I know that means you'll probably drink a bit too much and stay out too late and crash at 1am. I'm okay with that. I'm not okay with you not knowing that's what it means, and suggesting that you'll call me up in a couple hours and we'll get together.

I'm okay with you having plans, and doing other things, and maybe we can do this some other time. I'm not okay with you double-booking, and not telling me you can't make it.

I'm okay with you coming over to mine with booze on your breath and exhausted and just wanting to crash out in bed with your arm around me. I'm not okay with waiting for a call you said you'd make that I'm fairly certain won't happen, or the knock on the door that's really unlikely since you'll feel bad for the late hour and just head to your own place, or you telling me you'll try to squeeze me and then not getting back to me.

I think I'm handling this thing pretty well, maybe because I'm avoiding getting too heavily invested, but I can't handle getting strung along. Get back to me, yeah?

Reasons

I write when I'm confused; I've been writing less because he makes me happy. "Smart, sexy, stable," that's what he called me. Just wanted me to stay in bed, with him. Thinks we should make this a daily thing, though he's not sure he can give me every night. I just think it's sweet that he'd offer, indicate that he'd want that. Olive, that fucking bitchcat. He's beautiful just out of the shower and asleep in the morning and UTTERLY MAGNIFICENT, even if he's terrible at goodbye kisses.

This guy

I don't know what the hell to do about him. Obviously not pursue, not just yet; he's got a lot of shit going on, and I don't want to muck with that. But he's also sweet as candy and hasn't run off screaming yet. I'm trying to toe the line between platonic friend and unabashed flirt, and sometimes I slide a little too far one way or another, but overall I think it's going alright.

To update: Friday night I asked him to come over to see a new jacket I'd bought (sexy leather cropped, and this was me pushing), and he then invited me watch movies with him and his friend (Professor; him making a move). We saw Earth Girls Are Easy and The Faculty, and ended up holding hands on the couch (me  pushing, insisting he sit beside me), and kept holding hands until I let go (him making a move). Afterward he drove me home and said we should do it again sometime soon (him making a move). I agreed, and said I'd had a great time.
Saturday I asked if he'd be alright taking part in a sort-of triple-date game night with Pink, Soprana, and their men (pushing). He said that was alright, but he didn't want it to be awkward. I then spend the day angsting about whether I was making things awkward for him. Eventually we decided it wasn't awkward, but I do owe him a coffee. But as to his shit, I learned (while out of town, at a concert with Pink), that his father was in the hospital with an infection. Later Saturday after I got home he clarified that his dad was stable, and the antibiotics are working, but that the doctors are worried about his heart.

So today's Sunday and they're running tests, and Hot Rod is texting me while he sits in a hospital and there's been a bit of flirting but more than that I think I'm doing an alright job of being the sympathetic friend, if the friend with dad-died-in-a-hospital baggage. I'm hanging out with Pink at one of the computer laps on campus, and she's working on homework with her lab group while I text Hot Rod, trying to keep his spirits up, and write this gibberish.

Thoughts

What should I do about Hot Rod? Obviously I'm not pursuing him in the same way as previously, but I'm trying to think of people I've bought dinner for, and it's mostly men I'm interested in/dating. Hmmmn. I haven't stepped over the line yet, except maybe with my loudmouth conversating and wearing a strapless dress to dinner. But! There's been no kissing, no touching except when he held the bike up for me while I tried to get started, and yeah that meant his hand on my ass. Certainly not something I'd have felt quite the same about Roommate doing.

Also, I certainly don't want to make Roommate uncomfortable, as I worry we did last night when I stole Hot Rod's wallet to keep him from paying for dinner. Jesus Christ, I don't understand men, though I ought to have guessed, from his impulse to open the door for me.

Post

So I really quite like this guy. But the fact that we've had sex now makes it easier just to view him in a platonic light. That probably doesn't make any fucking sense, but the sexual tension would've driven us both crazy eventually, and maybe only temporarily, but we've gotten that bit out of our systems.

Doesn't mean I wouldn't kiss him crazy if I got the opportunity, or that we couldn't have mindblowing sex down the road, but for now sharing an interest -- or a few dozen -- do a pretty good job of filling the potentially-awkward silence.

Eh, but I've already decided if this didn't work out I'd stick to being single for a while. Seems a good choice. I'm free to flirt without any serious strings, and get a few dozen guys to buy me drinks on my birthday.

Plans and Angst

I feel like I'm making a mistake, but he's not running, or pushing me away. I asked if he could offer what I wanted, and he said as much as he wanted, he didn't think he could. I ought to back off, ought to leave him be, I know that. He said I oughtn't kiss him -- unless it were somehow an accident. Agh. He doesn't want to take any sort of responsibility for the way he makes me feel, for drinking apple juice and dancing downtown at 3am or pulling me in to sleep on his shoulder. He seems to want this, but no sort of responsibility. But the want...is that enough? I say I'm going to seduce him, but does that mean he'll realize he quite likes wrapping his arm around my waist, or that he'll realize he quite likes having someone to wrap his arm around, and it doesn't really matter that it's me?

I want to kiss him, to at some point buck my hips and pull off his shirt and bit his bottom lip while my whole mouth shivers. I want to drive him crazy, and I wonder if there's any chance he'll fall for me, or if I'm kidding myself. I think an organized system of seduction and silence. I want to tempt him, to intrigue him, to turn him on and make him mad (crazy).

We could die tomorrow. There is value in joy, and there is a chance that there will never be joy again. I can't regret kissing a beautiful man.

No matter how life turns out, I refuse to have regrets. I will kiss anyone I want.

To Hot Rod

Don't you get that it's not the ex girlfriend you're still hung up on, or the fact that you don't know what to do about this you and me thing that's kindof become a thing, at least for me? It's not even that you waited to tell me, though maybe that's part of it. It's, if  you can do your thing without mentioning the ex you're still hung up on for this long (admittedly a week, but still!), what else do I have to look forward to? I go into every situation figuring I can trust my first impressions, and then you go and fuck with my head. How am I supposed to trust that you're being straightforward from this point on? What the hell am I supposed to do about this?

To Baker

[Baker is a guy in KC who I've been chatting with on Tumblr.]

• me: Hi. I like you. Lunch sometime?
• him: Yeah, uh. Sounds good.
• ---
• me: So this is going really well, wow. You seem really great. So what's wrong with you?
• him: I'm a serial killer.
• me: Oh, really? That's exciting.
• him: Yeah, definitely. Great fun. Maybe one day I'll kidnap you and lock you in my basement.
• me: Oh, don't tease. You don't even have a basement, and your closet door's much too flimsy to hold me.
• ---
• him: So I'm really excited to see you again. How's tomorrow or the day after sound?
• me: Geez. All I want to do is kiss you. You're amazing. There's got to be something wrong with you.
• him: No, not really. Nothing big.
• ---
• me: You're not perfect, but you're pretty damn close. We should do this again sometime.
• him: I'm still hung up on my ex and I had a dream about her the other day and I don't know that I can do this thing with you even though you're great and it's a lot of fun. Maybe I want to be around you but she just left and I was really depressed and then you came along and I should have said something but I really like you so if I decide I can't do this will you still be around?
• ---
• me: ...
• me: ...
• me: ...
• me: ...
• me: ...
• me: ...
• me: SERIOUSLY?!

#I liked you better when you were a serial killer

^ This is what I posted, with the 'him' being Hot Rod, and Baker asked if that was what actually happened. I responded:

Oh jeez. Yeah, that's really what happened. I'm waiting to hear back I guess about whether he's ready for a relationship? Or something? I don't know. (It's been a super long day and I'm way too tired to string words together, so sorry if this makes no sense. Also sorry for the emotion dump. Again, sleep or lack thereof.) I'm getting kinda tired of being unable to wrap my brain around two people liking each other, being single and reasonably attractive and living fairly stable lives and yet NOT PURSUING IT. It's absolutely contrary to the way my brain works, and if one more fucking man tells me I'm amazing and fun and beautiful but he's just not sure right now I swear I'm going to throw hammers. Nothing against you, of course, 'cos you're brilliant and offered me eclairs. I'm just a bit bitter at the moment. And hell, maybe he'll call me up in three days or a week and say, "I'm sorry I'm such a chickenshit. I really like being around you. Can we do more of that?" but the fact that he even hesitated, that he's questioning whether I'm worth pursuing -- shit, it's enough to give a girl a complex.

Butterflies

I have two speeds: I love you, and I hate you. He likes me, and yet is hung up on his ex -- Amanda -- which apparently screams SLOW DOWN. And I'm a way-too-fast kind of girl, so. What do I do about this? It's got to be an hour or a dat at a time - not calling him tonight because I'm going shooting with The Couple and my phone's dead, so that'll help for a while, anyway. Tomorrow's Wednesday, but I won't call him then, either. Maybe we'll go biking with people, but it's up to him to clarify when/where/if. I just...I don't want to push, which I absolutely did last night when I sortof insisted he stay the night -- although he did say he'd slept well -- maybe it's going to be okay. Obviously I want to sleep with him, but more than that I want to kiss him until he feels something like the butterflies I get when he kisses me. Something like hunger pains.

Fantasy Date

Rode sixteen miles in the last three days (another at least two tonight) and maybe I've got a date. Probably it's tomorrow. He said he'd try for tonight, but somehow I doubt it'll happen, given the crazy exertion he's going to be up to. I know whenever it is I'm not going to be sleeping with him. Which, and I've said it before, is weird. This is a lot more like actual dating, and I'm not sure what to do about that. I hope I'm not scaring him off.

On the phone, I say, "We could eat dinner at my place, walk around the lake if you're up to it." I worry it'll lead to moaning in the bed, but I give him my address and wash dishes while I wait. I thaw pork chops and chop potatoes in an attempt to distract my buzzing mind. It doesn't work, and as I separate soft white cubes I think of the words, the address -- did I tell him up-and-to-the-left, and will he remember? Does he want to kiss me? How long should I wait to kiss him? Outside, of course, because kissing him so close toa bed would be dangerous. And of course I don't have a loveseat, so we'd have to sit on the bed or the floor, and -- Jeez. Obviously I've only got one thing on my mind.

Laundry Day

Am I really into this guy? He makes me nervous, sure, but he doesn't inspire Wannajumpimitis. He's admitted that he's awful at quote-talking-to-girls-endquote. I guess in the back of my mind I wonder if he won't be terrible in bed, or whatever this thing that I can't name or place, will fade as I get to know him better. I could live without him, I guess, although the excitement of the next date has held me in its thrall so far. Am I just using him? It's been a week and I'm worried about fucking things up with him. But I guess I've had such a messy summer that I'm living like I've got nothing to lose -- and I guess we'll see what comes of that. Hot Rod is magnificent, but he's a stranger. I really need to spend some time getting to know him -- and maybe that's the difference between Hot Rod and the other guys I've slept with (although he's not really a member of that group yet): I knew all of them (except Turkic, but we'd been talking daily for a week prior). So maybe my hesitance is natural, and familiarity-based.

Sure we've talked on the phone for now twelve hours, plus eight in each others' presence, but that's admittedly not much. I'd like to kiss him some more, to trace his chest hair and find out his least-favorite body party, so that I can compliment it to death. I want to get him drunk and kiss him everywhere except the mouth. I'd like to play the naughty schoolgirl to his beleaguered teacher. To teach him to dance. I'd like, at some point further down the road, to admit the ten people I've kissed, and the stories behind them.  To talk about the time I maybe cheated on a guy, and my worst break-ups. And how it all happened the summer before I asked him out. I'd like to get his history, collapse in a sweaty mass beside him, and race him to the shower. I want, and I don't know why, but but I really hope he wants too.

Jeez. Is it just that he's a guy, or that he's Hot Rod? Is it more than his goofily white grin and glasses? I feel like  I'm not allowed to talk about sex, that I'll chase him off somehow or make it all about sex even before  we've gotten there -- God I hope I don't fuck this one up, too.