Number Four

Despite what Pink might say, I'm up to four now. Alright, so he didn't have condoms and I didn't want to go there, but I think if you're naked rubbing up on somebody, and if you're having orgasms with somebody, you're having sex. This is Cross, by the way, and yes, I'm still sleeping with Finn. We'll see how it goes.

Cute

There's this problem with men whom I'm not attracted to. I feel awful turning them down. I know I'm leading him on, but he's so nice...etc. This happened with Narcoleptic, and now Mustache Guy. So we've got a date tonight; he's grilling steaks, wants to spend time with me. Honestly I don't think it's there. He's way into his dog and mustache and me, and I don't know if that's a good combination.

The problem is I want to wear something cute, but that's not hard. I know I look cute, and I can flaunt it without much effort. Sexy I have a heck of a time with, but seems like if a guy thinks I'm sexy it's regardless of my clothes. 

I am in such an awful mood today. I'm scatterbrained, tired, feel like ripping the phone off the hook and every single person's head off. Eugh. I wonder if it's the coffee I had yesterday, and my body detoxing from the luxurious caffeine high. Or maybe I didn't sleep so well because of the coffee in the afternoon/evening. Regardless, AGH.

Oh, but in other news Finn and I had a lovely weekend. By which I mean Saturday evening, when he came by quite late and we both got soundly laid and then I kept him up for a bit while he tried desperately to be asleep, and then I woke up about six and repeated, then cooked breakfast, fucked until I couldn't stand up, and then lazed a bit until he left for home. Total about twelve hours, including sleep, but nice nonetheless.

TNSTAAFL

With Arch I got a friend, somebody who's earned the right to call me crazy without me overthinking it. Somebody I could crash on the couch of, and who I'd let crash on mine (if I had a couch).
With Turkic I got self-confidence, and an introduction to sex as a plaything, and I learned my lesson until it stuck.
With Finn -- at the very least I've got a label, an answer for "What kind of music do you like?" And it's still a lot, most, but the new answer's definitely "Early '90s Alt Rock" and hey, that's easier to say.

No Shakespeare, but...

Alas and alack. Are you slumb'ring sweetly in your spacious sept? Perchance fate is indeed cruel. I await without and desire to be within. Mayhaps tis mine own fault for tarrying so long at leisure with my companion. If only I were the lusty bull, full of vigor and ready to mount at m'lady's beckoning, then I should not be here in this state. Farewell to thee and thine milky breast I should love to clasp. Adieu to thos [sic] thighs I should love to kiss. And may I find myself again beckoned to your boudoir with such carnal desires as I am wont to speak aloud. May your designs on me always be graphic.

Yeah, that's Finn's version of "Fuck I said I'd be here an hour ago and you've fallen asleep, haven't you?" I could nitpick, but mostly I'm enjoying the moment. Wow.

"Loving You is Fun"

Well, it's definitely not love. It's not even the twitch in my stomach I still get when I think of the one that got away. But I get miffed when I'm not laid on a regular basis, and I'm climbing the walls. I still haven't hit on Hot Rod, but I've been talking to Cross, and that's something. He's leaving in 26 days, but it's nice to be told I've got a "killer rack."

Alright, here:

12:34 P.M.	To:Cross	Alright, so now I've got the message correctly attributed, I'm awfully curious about this dream.
12:37 P.M.	From:Cross	Oh, I believe that it suffices to say that it was very inappropriate, but very intriguing. Also, sort of strange. Considering I haven't seen you in awhile, and certainly not in that context.
12:39 P.M.	To:Cross	Oh, but *which* context? Alien spaceship? 1740s France? Disneyland? :P
12:42 P.M.	From:Cross	Oh, come now! I'm positive that you can deduce which context I'm alluding to.
12:44 P.M.	To:Cross	You're the one who admitted it's been a while. My IQ may have dropped a dozen points; I may not even understand what an allusion *is*, now.
12:45 P.M.	From:Cross	Well, if that's the case than a large portion of the reason for the dream seems to have "dropped." :P
12:48 P.M.	To:Cross	Maybe I misunderstand male psychology but I thought most of the reason I may appear in a man's dreams sits above my diaphragm.
12:50 P.M.	From:Cross	You're not the only lady I know with a "killer rack," as they say. But, I won't deny that fact were it in question. It certainly contributed to said dream.
12:53 P.M.	To:Cross	That's fantastic. I needed a really good laugh. "As they say..." Ha!
12:54 P.M. 12:58 P.M.	From:Cross	:) I wonder if  there's a way to force me to have the same dream again. TO THE INTERNET!
1:00 P.M.	To:Cross	Ha! Why would you want to do that? The only repeat dreams I've ever had were nightmares...
1:02 P.M.	From:Cross	Well if I could choose which dreams to repeat they most certainly wouldn't be nightmares. They'd be more like the cameo Kat appearance dream.
1:03 P.M.	To:Cross	Cameo? I only got a cameo? That's just unacceptable.
1:04 P.M.	From:Cross	Is it now? And what would be acceptable?
1:06 P.M.	To:Cross	A role that could suitably showcase my innumerable talents, of course.
1:07 P.M.	From:Cross	I see, I see. Well, which talents would you like showcased?
1:10 P.M.	To:Cross	Asked by the man who wouldn't go into detail about a dream in which I only had a cameo.
1:11 P.M.	From:Cross	Why do you want the detail so desperately?
1:12 P.M.	To:Cross	It's curiosity, not desperation. And a sense of fair trade.
1:13 P.M.	From:Cross	What's the trade that you propose?
1:15 P.M.	To:Cross	It's more like, why should I answer your question if you won't answer mine?
1:17 P.M.	From:Cross	I'd say its because the information that you're asking for is sexy, and thusly inappropriate in nature. Would you say that the talents that you wish to be showcased are also inappropriate in nature?
1:20 P.M.	To:Cross	I'll admit that I'm very seldom inappropriate, and don't tend to enjoy those times that I am.
1:21 P.M.	From:Cross	Oh shush, now you're just teasing.
1:22 P.M.	To:Cross	You really shouldn't be surprised. But if you insist.
1:23 P.M.	From:Cross	I shouldn't be? So you're usually a big tease, eh?
1:30 P.M.	To:Cross	You also told me to shush.
1:30 P.M. 1:32 P.M.	From:Cross	I suppose that's true. Back to the internet! Gotta try to recreate...
1:34 P.M.	To:Cross	Ha! And no, I'm not always a tease. But it's not so unusual as to be surprising.
1:36 P.M.	From:Cross	I actually prefer performance to teasing. But, that could just be me.
1:37 P.M.	To:Cross	Hey, you already got a free show!
1:38 P.M.	From:Cross	Ha! In my dreams.
1:41 P.M.	To:Cross	Isn't that how this conversation started?
1:42 P.M.	From:Cross	Indeed. The details? Involved dancing, stripping, seduction, et cetera.
1:44 P.M.	To:Cross	What's that make me, then? A cameo stripper? Also your dreams are way more exciting than mine.
1:45 P.M.	From:Cross	My dreams aren't usually that exciting. Which is part of the reason I mentioned it at all.
1:48 P.M.	To:Cross	And the other part?
1:49 P.M.	From:Cross	In my dream? You stripped for me. Does that make you a "stripper?" I'd say no.
1:50 P.M.	To:Cross	Why not?
1:51 P.M.	From:Cross	Stripping for one person doesn't make you any more a stripper than sleeping with one person makes you a slut.
1:53 P.M.	To:Cross	I'd argue that sluttiness is a factor of a certain attitude about sex (specifically that it's a commodity that can be bartered), rather than a number.
1:54 P.M.	From:Cross	Agreeable. Well phrased.
1:59 P.M.	To:Cross	As for the stripping, was I wearing one of those kitzschy outfits?
2:00 P.M.	From:Cross	Ha! No, I'm afraid not.
2:00 P.M.	To:Cross	What, then?
2:01 P.M.	From:Cross	It was a pretty standard blouse, skirt combo. Looked nice though.
2:05 P.M.	To:Cross	Ha! You sure you haven't seen me around town lately? I've been doing the office girl thing for a while. As dreams go, that's fairly realistic.
1:30 P.M.	From:Cross	Was it? Ha! That's... Good? News? lol

Yeah, that's what I do while I do laundry. 'Cos I'm badass.

Questions

I have all these words in my head. I ought to get some out, clear up space. Prepositions. I used to think (elementary school) that I'd be a teacher (English) because they were lovely (great), but then no, because not enough money. And -- here's the point -- I knew that there were all sorts of options, lots of things that would satisfy me, so I should pick from high-paying jobs. And men. My problem with men is that I think I could be happy with most anybody, if he stuck around and talked and loved me. So how do I choose? Do I wait for the epiphany, like I had with my life? Do I just date around, dropping guys who make me grin but aren't enough? Do I take every chance, jump every time, I get the chance, even if it's scary? How do I choose? Keep myself busy? Frequent the bars and maybe meet a guy who makes me smile? Huh.

In T---- (except fuck it I live in S---- now, not that anyone's heard of that) kids are educating themselves in order to suit job slots that won't exist in a hundred, fifty, twenty? years. Money. I resigned myself to never making any a while ago, so it's got to be alright.

Not With a Bang

This thing with Finn is coming to an end. It's been a nice run, but he's been way distant lately and I kind of want to pursue the Hot Rod, so fuck men. Cross (friend of Arch, lives here in town) has been strangely friendly lately, so I'll copy the text convo. It's a bit funny; I originally mistook him as a different [first name], with whom I went on one date and wasn't attracted to (called Narcoleptic). It was tons of fun working that one out.

27 June 09:33 I had a dream that made me wish that you weren't a good friends ex, lol.
     27 June 09:45 Not sure what that means? :) But what was the dream about?
27 June 09:51 Oh, it was inappropriate, lol.
27 June 10:10 And how have you been, ma'am?
     27 June 10:20 A lot of the same, with more packing. Moving both offices and homes within a month isn't fun.
27 June 10:49 Sounds taxing indeed.

02 July 20:44 I feel Facebook poked, ma'am.
     02 July 22:24 GASP.
02 July 22:25 Le gasp, even.
     02 July 22:30 Yes indeed. I also owe you an apology for not responding the other time. I had thought the message was from a creepy guy I'd gone on one date with. Sorry!
02 July 22:31 Ah ha, well I can certainly see how that would be construed as a creepy, lol. It's a strange reason to strike up a conversation, for sure.
     02 July 22:34 Sure, but this guy (Cross in my phone) had earned the blow-off, not you. And I just now realised my mistake.
02 July 22:35 Well... I'm Cross! What'd he do to be creepy?
     02 July 22:39 Good question. I was attributing your message, so... I guess before that he just came off as super lazy, and a little pushy.
02 July 22:40 Ah ha, so my message was lazy and pushy?
     02 July 22:45 No, but super creepy when I thought it was the other guy.

03 July 00:50 Aaaaaaaand I'm sleepy.
     03 July 00:51 Yuup. There's a lot of that at this hour.
03 July 00:52 You too, eh?
     03 July 00:53 Took a nap earlier, but yeah, soon.