I liiiiiiike him.

Pretty sure I saw Hardy in public yesterday when I was walking to meet Hot Rod. I looked good, dressed to the nines and wearing a fedora, and I was grinning like an idiot because, well, I was going to meet Hot Rod. I'd left my purse in his car, and he'd stopped by especially to bring it to me, and nothing makes me grin quite so much as a sexy man on a sunny day. Anyway, it just made me think, I was looking for a human connection back when Hardy happened, and I realize now -- maybe because I'm arse over teakettle for Hot Rod -- that I was never going to have the sort of connection I was looking for with him.

Last night the fella and I snuggled half-naked on his living room couch and watched Silkwood and drank Sprite and ate kettle corn and kissed and then I bolted to the bedroom in my underwear when the roommate came home, and then passed out on his bed. Dunno how that happened, but a guy who'll kiss me lightly then curl into bed with me because he doesn't want to wake me up, and with whom I'll laugh and joke until we're both late and still don't want to get out of bed and he'll give me three goodbye kisses when he drops me off at class, and we're supposed to grab lunch today just because...jeez, well, he's some kind of guy.

Flan

So things are going really, really well. It's assumed at this point that we'll spend the night together, though not that we'll have sex -- which is kinda lovely, if you think about it for any time at all. I've got a pretty regular sleep schedule because he does and I get morning kisses and -- yeah, it's magic. Last night, though, we were talking about things we liked, and there were all sorts of other foods - bagel sandwiches and ham sandwiches and salt and vinegar chips -- and the we were talking desserts we loved, like bear claws, and he said, "You're like flan. Sweet, and I love you, and a soft skin -- yeah, flan has skin..." and I was way too caught up on that middle bit, which apparently he said without thinking, but now "Flan" is this joke, somewhere between a tease about a misspeak and "I love you, too." I guess we'll see where it goes. I really don't think I'm ready to say those words, not at this point, but, shit, just read this exchange:

Me: Dresses?

Hot Rod: :D

Me: Pizza?

Hot Rod: :D

Me: Dancing barefoot in the dark with no-one else around except maybe me. And probably kissing.

Hot Rod: :D !

Me: Thin paintbrush doodling on skin with washable paint then kissing in the shower and watching color run everywhere.

Hot Rod: <3

Me: Kissing in the elevator in the middle of the day - then looping the moment so we never have to say goodbye.

Hot Rod: :)

Me: Pitching a tent by the lakeside and laughing at the rocks in our backs and curling up naked to keep warm.

Hot Rod: I miss you :(

I don't want to (This is the sound of falling)

I don't want to fall in love. It's painful, and messy, and just leaves you with scars and alcoholic tendencies. But I do want:

to dance in the dark
to kiss him up against walls until his fingers crawl under my shirt, slip against my back and pull me in tighter
until we fit together so well I want to hold onto the moment to infinity
to watch Star Trek with him and make jokes about Data and
drink tea that's too hot
and talk about the amazing chai at the bagel shop
and hold hands just because
touch anytime we're close
and smile because he's there, or he's not there
but I think
(he tells me)
he's thinking of me.

Yeah, I don't much like sleeping alone. Just sayin'.

Peace

I'm trying (and we'll see if I succeed) to train him to do what he wants -- with the hope that what he wants is me. But kicking him in the butt to run out the door when he's late for work and still has to head home and change...

Neither of us are getting much sleep, me maybe less so, at least last night. Woke up at seven, made breakfast and then had some sex -- SO EXHAUSTED now sitting in class. It's funny, 'cos it's new and tenuous, but it's like we've fallen into a routine of sorts, and he really seems to like sleeping with me (even when it's just sleep!). And we've woken up together the last three nights in a row, twice at his and once at mine, and the sex isn't absurdly amazing or exactly what I want or all the time, but it's good, and kissing him good morning is so much better.

And this song:

What I Want Him to Understand

You say you're going out for a few drinks with the guys, and I know that means you'll probably drink a bit too much and stay out too late and crash at 1am. I'm okay with that. I'm not okay with you not knowing that's what it means, and suggesting that you'll call me up in a couple hours and we'll get together.

I'm okay with you having plans, and doing other things, and maybe we can do this some other time. I'm not okay with you double-booking, and not telling me you can't make it.

I'm okay with you coming over to mine with booze on your breath and exhausted and just wanting to crash out in bed with your arm around me. I'm not okay with waiting for a call you said you'd make that I'm fairly certain won't happen, or the knock on the door that's really unlikely since you'll feel bad for the late hour and just head to your own place, or you telling me you'll try to squeeze me and then not getting back to me.

I think I'm handling this thing pretty well, maybe because I'm avoiding getting too heavily invested, but I can't handle getting strung along. Get back to me, yeah?

Reasons

I write when I'm confused; I've been writing less because he makes me happy. "Smart, sexy, stable," that's what he called me. Just wanted me to stay in bed, with him. Thinks we should make this a daily thing, though he's not sure he can give me every night. I just think it's sweet that he'd offer, indicate that he'd want that. Olive, that fucking bitchcat. He's beautiful just out of the shower and asleep in the morning and UTTERLY MAGNIFICENT, even if he's terrible at goodbye kisses.

Oh Em Jesus H Christ

He's called Hot Rod, and I really like him. Turned-down-sex like him. He's made it clear he's really into me, but I don't want to rush and fuck this up. I also don't know that I want to rush at all. He's so bloody sweet, and a great cook (made chicken on the grill tonight), and a conversationalist with a good taste in music. I met his roommate tonight, as well, which was another reason for turning down sex, and he's super nerdy and hilarious and maybe a little bit into me, but that's probably just serious arrogance talking. I really don't want to get between the two, since they're best friends in addition to roommates. And we'd only just kissed when he asked me to stay the night, so that's another thing. Those three all together, and it was definitely the right choice. Oh, I do hope he calls. I've still got a smile and his taste on my lips.

Now, I've got a test in the AM and need to crash. Jeeeeez.

Hot Rod

There's a line here, "Friends say I'm crazy 'cuz easily I fall in love," and that's been my tagline for the summer. Hot Rod - IT guy, and the sweetest thing since honey, has crawled under my skin and left me listening to my "She Amazes Him" playlist. He called me "cutie pie," and "pretty" and "cute." More specifically, he said I have a pretty face, and a great laugh -- and he's smart, and funny, and geez.

On the five points:

1. Height (6') - Don't know for sure, but I'd guess so.
2. Dark Hair/Glasses - Yes indeed.
3. Body Type - Solidly athletic, way moreso than me. Good influence, I'd say.
4. Intelligent - He got through two years of Electrical, and wants to go into law/political journalism. Yup, he's got it.
5. Passionate - See above. :)
6. [Into Me?] - If the eight hour conversation night before last was any sort of indication, and the compliments he dropped just to make me squirm, and the fact he listed me among things he liked, I'd say probably. Oh geez, I hope so.

 I can type a transcript of an eight-hour phone call, but we talked sports (I said I played racquetball, so that's something I need to get on. He plays tennis, racquetball, and bikes.), film and music preferences (He's seen the Notebook and adores bad movies.), tv (He's an enormous Trekkie, likes Jericho and could watch more Who.), normal people (He pretends to be one, should flaunt his weird flag more often, but it makes him uncomfortable.), majors and future plans, drinking, friends, the battle of the sexes...I don't even know. Family, high school. Eight hours' worth of topics, and it just kept going. Sleep, or lack thereof. Him hunting down my address and stealing me. His roommate and exes.

To get up-to-date, I grabbed him coffee yesterday afternoon and we ended up sitting together drinking coffee for all of his lunch break (He didn't eat??), talking about I-don't-know-what, genocide and IT and biking, and we were maybe going to do something, but I think he went to sleep. Anyway, no call last night, then just as I was going to bed I decided to dress up and couldn't resist a call over - no answer, but like I said he was probably sleeping. Anyway, that was at about 23:09, and I worry what that'll look like to him. Hopefully not desperation? Ball's in his court and I'm wearing an overly formal dress today, so I guess we'll see (!!!).

End of Things, but Smile!

In other news, I'm listening to this on repeat.

I've had a couple of shit days in a row, and am not sleeping well, and whatever the hell, but he's going out like a champ. I've got a couple nickles I didn't have last week, and bought a nerdy T-shirt, and maybe I'll pick up a pair of earrings today. And if all goes according to plan I'll be registered for that poetry course by this afternoon.

Oh, and Wednesdays are great because a couple shows I like (really, the only ones I've been watching lately) come on. And I've got leftovers from both Monday's and yesterday's lunch, so I shouldn't starve for a bit yet.

And it seems I may be writing a comic with/for Arch, so that sounds lovely. Now I just need to write something. :)

Movies and Mayhem and IHOP, oh my!

So last night I went to see The Dark Night Rises (amazing!) and a few things happened. First, I went to see the movie because Finn was sleeping, and hasn't really talked to me in a few days, aside from the odd text. I finally broke down and asked Cross what he was up to, and turns out it was the three movie marathon at the theater. I decided I might as well join him, maybe get laid at the end of it.

I headed over to the theater at quarter to ten to buy my ticket, then probably crash at home for a bit and then go back. Except when I had my ticket I realised there wasn't much for me to do at home, except mope to Arch like I'd been doing for a while. So I call Pink and mope to her and she pretty much told me to move on, forget Finn because he's not worth me anyhow. Yeah, that part's pretty much true. I decide I'll hang out in the nerd line waiting for the doors to open rather than go home, and run into a couple of English majors! One's very funny, charismatic, married with two adorable kids, and the other doesn't go anywhere without a baseball hat, and I don't know much about. Anyway, we get to chatting (and by the way I'm wearing a cami and a leather skirt and heels) to pass the time, and it rains on us a bit and Hardy (baseball hat) offers to trade me places so I don't get too soaked, then we end up running over to the gas station to buy drinks right before the doors open (and I think I lost my credit card there, but I'll find out later today), and on the way back as I'm drinking through a straw and he makes a blowjob joke and I just go with it.

All before sitting next to each other in a movie for two hours. The movie was *amazing*. Hardy explained characters I didn't remember or wasn't familiar with, and laughed at my jokes, and it all went really well. We ended up with our arms touching on the armrest, but not too overtly. Just there. Then afterward he asked if anyone wanted to go to IHOP and although I boycott breakfast food places on principle I kindof wanted to. And it ended up being just us, and he drove, and at the end of the meal he took the check without making a deal out of it, and I couldn't find my card so I kindof made a deal out of it, but I think it went fairly well. We got along fine, and he's nice and a poet (I read a few of his pieces and offered honest criticism, but they were actually decent, so). And between the midnight showing and IHOP afterward (wherein he called me "a cheap date," soo...) I didn't get home until after four. We traded numbers and I'd said I'd show him some poetry so when I got home I opened the computer to go ahead and send that and he sent me a message on FB. So we ended up chatting, and it went a little sideways (in a good way, I think!). I sent him a little more information than I intended, but I guess you can judge for yourself. I'm the indented ones.

o   and now I can't sleep 

o   haha

§  Ha!

§  And I'm the one who had coffee.

o   ha I had two dr peppers

o   not a whole lot better

§  I thought you weren't planning to sleep, anyway?

o   haha idk I love me some sleep that's for sure, but seems a bit pointless now.

§  I'd get max two and a half hours. Might still try, but I dunno.

o   blehh! haha

o   shoulda just spent the night causing trouble around stillwater ha

§  Oh really? What's that look like?

o   huh?

o   what does what look like? haha

§  Causing trouble around Stillwater.

o   haha idk couldn't tell ya

§  Well, to keep you occupied for the next five minutes or so.

§  poems.docx

o   those were pretty good

o   you have a lot of potential

o   but facebook chat is hardly the place for me to give a more indepth critique then that

o   plus I am not in the most aware of mind states at the moment

o   but it was not bad by any means 

§  Yeah, obvs. Just wanted to get it sent before I forgot.

o   ha well thanks for sharing

§  Rereading poems reminds me how many of them were never intended to be read by anyone but myself.

o   hahaha well you should keep working and showing them

§  Working - of course. Showing - not so sure. I had a heck of a time finding four that weren't obviously personal; I'm not a super private person, but I think I'd be uncomfortable sharing many of the others. 

o   haha that just makes me curious! 

§  It's nothing my friends don't know - awful ends of relationships, or beginnings of relationships, or my dad dying, but in explicit, no-holds-barred words that I use in my own head but would never use to describe the same situations to another person.

o   I see I see and undstand, no one gets to see the inside of my notebooks... no one.

§  Because I believe in rewarding curiosity, though, and it's not about anything recent or painful, and I'm absolutely shameless sometimes:

§  [Poem very explicitly about sex.]

§  Annd I'm embarrassed now.

o   haha cause you told me about losing your virginity?

§  Ha! No, not at all.

§  I guess it's not clear; if I'd been a virgin I wouldn't have made the choices that I did in that particular situation.

o   aww I see I see haha

§  Yeah, sorry. That wasn't really fair of me, to toss at you.

o   haha what do you mean?

§  It's different in a workshop class where you're required to read everything for a grade; on your own time it's not really fair to go into certain themes without a disclaimer.

o   bahahahaha

o   well no worries it didn't bother me or anything

§  I have no idea what you do or don't want to know, and while it's poetry it's a lot like reading aloud from my diary, and what if that makes you uncomfortable?

o   I am a pretty easy going guy and am pretty hard to make feel uncomfortable

§  Also, I make bad decisions when tired.

§  Oh *really*?

§  I shouldn't take that as a challenge.

o   haha try if you want, but good luck

o   please do!

o   all you will do is make me laugh (some with and some at you )

o   and I will get lots of info about you to hold over your head! ;P

o   :P*

§  And since I'm a pretty hard person to offend (actually not true; suggest all Germans are Nazis and it'll get under my skin like nothing else) or leverage, I'll probably just succeed at making you laugh.

§  And no wink? Why no wink?

o   well ok ;P

o   ha

o   so are you gonna accept my challenge or not?

o   haha

§  Of trying to make you uncomfortable?

§  Well, you're a twenty-something guy, so I bet nothing related to sex will work, though you did seem to start a bit at virginity.

§  I could go into detail about how it felt to watch my father be alive but unaware in the last days before a phone call told me he was gone, and what knowing I was nowhere nearby felt like, but that's a bit depressing, innit?

§  By the way, yes it still bothers me. No it's not something that's going to change, or something that affects my day-to-day life. I only really think about it in the wee hours or when I've recently reread poetry I wrote about those moments.

§  So if I'm *not* trying to bring the conversation down (which I'm really not; I'm a generally cheerful person), it's got to be something so personal, so outrageous, that your only response would be to pretend or hope that you hadn't heard it.

§  Something wildly inappropriate, perhaps.

o   ha what do ya got for me then?

§  Since you asked, it was a '95 Toyota Tercel. What sort of car did you lose your virginity in?

o   haha and how did you know I lost my virginity in a car?

§  Lucky guess, based on statistics and the general cleanliness/care you take with your current vehicle.

o   hahaha well thanks

o   it was like an 02 buick regal

o   but now you have opened up a can of worms!

o   how old were you?

§  Ha! Nope, you first.

o   ha I was 15

§  Geez. No offense, but that must have been awful. 17. Still kindof awful.

§  Google images says you actually had some room to work with, though.

o   hahahaha yes it was pretty awful

§  Have you ever *seen* a Toyota Tercel?

o   ehh it was a pretty tight fit

o   ok so I had more room than you

o   but she literally just laid there

§  Oh no!

o   so it was a pretty awful experience

o   oh not?

§  'just laid there'

§  That's awful!

§  *But* I think I have it beat.

o   ha I read your exclamtion point as a t hence my confusion

o   but yes it was bad haha

§  And may actually succeed with discomfort.

§  Girl laying there? Awful. Guy subverting every stereotyping and taking for frickin' *ever*? Awful. Guy finally giving up and finishing with a sock? MORE awful.

o   hahaha

o   so now that you are older and wiser do you consider yourself "good" at sex?

§  Ha! I would hope so. That guy certainly got better.

§  Although, just for clarification. 15, so no license yet, right?

§  Please tell me it wasn't your parent's car.

o   ha my older brothers

o   Oh no! Poor guy.

o   haha na he was cool about it

§  He knew?!

o   he knew what was happening when he let me take it

o   hahaha yeah

§  Okay, so your older brother is either super cool or realised the back seat would be cramped and uncomfortable and is secretly a super dick.

o   ha na he is super cool

o   but it was somewhat cramped, not bad, but not near the space I have in my jeep haha

§  Jeez. I can't imagine any of my family being that cool. Though, on the lines of 'uncomfortable,' my father did offer to "leave the house or a few hours, go to the library, maybe help you get a hotel room" if we needed.

o   what?!?! haha

o   that's crazy!

§  Yup!

o   my dad has walked in on me twice haha

§  >< 

§  That's horrible!

o   not actually doing it, but fooling around

o   I thought it was hilarious!

§  That's what blankets are for! Especially if you know your parents are in the house.

§  As long as no-one was mortified or scarred, I can see how that would be amusing.

o   ha the second time the girl I was with ran off the bed and pulled all of the bllankets off the bed!

§  Hahaha!

§  That's the exact *opposite* of helpful.

o   na my dad is pretty cool

o   now if my mom had caught me that would be a whole other story

o   haha indeed

§  So why was it always one and not the other? Your dad just the guy who opens doors unannounced?

o   Idk just by chance I guess

o   he was the one who would come get us for dinner or for whatever so ya

§  My dad mostly just left us alone, and the guy's parents (only slept with one guy before I left for college, and then it didn't matter) were super conservative wait-until-marriage types, so I don't think they wanted to know.

§  The closest I've ever come to being walked in on was accidentally flashing my male roommate when I tried to sneak across the hallway to my bathroom.

o   haha oppsies

§  Oh. Unless you count cops rolling up to a parked car and turning their spotlights on.

o   bahahahahahaha nice!

§  Three times. Tulsa cops are crazy.

o   ha I guess

o   thank god for being in college and having our own places eh?

§  Very much so. Don't even have roommates now, and isn't that an enormous perk.

§  You can't put a value on doing dishes without pants on.

o   ha sometimes I hate having such a vivid imagination

§  Oh really?

§  Do tell.

o   haha well there is not much to tell

o   you are just giving my mind a lot to work with

§  Sorry. Like I said, I'm kindof shameless. Sometimes I don't consider the less-than-innocuous meanings behind conversations.

§  Sometimes I do, and am doing it on purpose.

§  I suppose we'll have to see.

o   hahaha oh really?

o   now that's just not fair at all

§  Turnabout's fair game, you know.

§  Unless you don't want me to have information to hold over your head.

o   haha I guess it depends what I get in exchange 

o   but I don't see how this is turnabout

o   I still see this as you being very fickle, on purpose, know full well what you are doing haha

§  According to you, your brain is getting full of pseudo-innocuous information that it's trying to sort through and respond to.

§  Turnabout would be bringing up specific selected information in an attempt to elicit a similar resonse.

§  And fickle? Really? I've been called bitchy, a tease, bitter, cruel, and a myriad of other adjectives and descriptive phrases. Never fickle, though.

o   haha I like fickle because it does not come with the huge negative conatations

o   just because you are teasing me, doesn't mean it is a negative 

§  Oh, I'd hope not.

§  And I'm still anticipating your return volley.

o   ha well I asked for all I got, so I suppose you will have to ask to right questions 

o   I have no idea where to begin to set out to just start teasing you hahahaha

§  Insisting I come up with questions is a bit frustrating, I'll admit.

§  Alright, what sort of themes come up in these notebooks of yours? Are these journals, or straight poetry?

o   ha if the conversation had the tone that I thought it had then my notebooks are not going to continue that tone at all.

o   well now that I have completely fucked that up

o   my journals are just full of my ideas for poems or self reflection, they are definitely not journals, but they contain a lot of where my poetry comes from, nothing majorly personal just not things I want to share.

§  Jeez, sorry. I actually fell asleep accidentally.

§  D'oh. Time for up and toward work!

 

So after that we were texting a bit today, about the movie mostly but also the conversation, and I got about four hours of sleep (talking ended ~6AM, but I called into work and took a couple hours off to sleep), and after work today if all goes well I'm going be donating plasma-slash-teasing Finn. I guess we'll just see how that goes?

The only downside, besides that he doesn't give a shit for grammar, is he's only 5'6". Not as much of a deal breaker as I expected, actually. Of my five-step process:
1. Dark hair, not longer than chin length, but not a buzz cut. Glasses.
     - Contacts, I think, but he *owns* glasses. The hair's right. 95%
2. At least 6'.
     - Obviously not. 0%
3. Not way too skinny, not incredibly overweight.
     - Seems average-sized, on the slim side. Works on a ranch so I assume the tossing me around would happen. 100%
4. SMART!
     - Seems to be. :) 100%
5. PASSIONATE!
     - Obviously. 100%
~6. Into me.
     - No idea. But it seems he might be?

Anyway, between he and the other (don't want to use up all my pseudonyms, and I hate remembering them) guy, I've been convinced to enroll in a different section of my fall poetry course. Looking forward to that!