Songs

In a conversation with Pink the other day we discussed relationship songs, and it made me think of the ones that make me think of men:

Arch

Turkic

Finn

Hot Rod

Yeah, feel free to judge. It's alright. I'm sick, so I'll blame this on Nyquil if it comes down to it.

Peace

I'm trying (and we'll see if I succeed) to train him to do what he wants -- with the hope that what he wants is me. But kicking him in the butt to run out the door when he's late for work and still has to head home and change...

Neither of us are getting much sleep, me maybe less so, at least last night. Woke up at seven, made breakfast and then had some sex -- SO EXHAUSTED now sitting in class. It's funny, 'cos it's new and tenuous, but it's like we've fallen into a routine of sorts, and he really seems to like sleeping with me (even when it's just sleep!). And we've woken up together the last three nights in a row, twice at his and once at mine, and the sex isn't absurdly amazing or exactly what I want or all the time, but it's good, and kissing him good morning is so much better.

And this song:

Thinking of him

What's happening here? Besides that I'm wired on espresso? ESpresso. Besides that I like rolling over and kissing him? Or joking that I've seduced him and hearing him agree? That he says I'll be his inspiration to stop stretching his schedule...I like him.

This guy

I don't know what the hell to do about him. Obviously not pursue, not just yet; he's got a lot of shit going on, and I don't want to muck with that. But he's also sweet as candy and hasn't run off screaming yet. I'm trying to toe the line between platonic friend and unabashed flirt, and sometimes I slide a little too far one way or another, but overall I think it's going alright.

To update: Friday night I asked him to come over to see a new jacket I'd bought (sexy leather cropped, and this was me pushing), and he then invited me watch movies with him and his friend (Professor; him making a move). We saw Earth Girls Are Easy and The Faculty, and ended up holding hands on the couch (me  pushing, insisting he sit beside me), and kept holding hands until I let go (him making a move). Afterward he drove me home and said we should do it again sometime soon (him making a move). I agreed, and said I'd had a great time.
Saturday I asked if he'd be alright taking part in a sort-of triple-date game night with Pink, Soprana, and their men (pushing). He said that was alright, but he didn't want it to be awkward. I then spend the day angsting about whether I was making things awkward for him. Eventually we decided it wasn't awkward, but I do owe him a coffee. But as to his shit, I learned (while out of town, at a concert with Pink), that his father was in the hospital with an infection. Later Saturday after I got home he clarified that his dad was stable, and the antibiotics are working, but that the doctors are worried about his heart.

So today's Sunday and they're running tests, and Hot Rod is texting me while he sits in a hospital and there's been a bit of flirting but more than that I think I'm doing an alright job of being the sympathetic friend, if the friend with dad-died-in-a-hospital baggage. I'm hanging out with Pink at one of the computer laps on campus, and she's working on homework with her lab group while I text Hot Rod, trying to keep his spirits up, and write this gibberish.

Thoughts

What should I do about Hot Rod? Obviously I'm not pursuing him in the same way as previously, but I'm trying to think of people I've bought dinner for, and it's mostly men I'm interested in/dating. Hmmmn. I haven't stepped over the line yet, except maybe with my loudmouth conversating and wearing a strapless dress to dinner. But! There's been no kissing, no touching except when he held the bike up for me while I tried to get started, and yeah that meant his hand on my ass. Certainly not something I'd have felt quite the same about Roommate doing.

Also, I certainly don't want to make Roommate uncomfortable, as I worry we did last night when I stole Hot Rod's wallet to keep him from paying for dinner. Jesus Christ, I don't understand men, though I ought to have guessed, from his impulse to open the door for me.

Post

So I really quite like this guy. But the fact that we've had sex now makes it easier just to view him in a platonic light. That probably doesn't make any fucking sense, but the sexual tension would've driven us both crazy eventually, and maybe only temporarily, but we've gotten that bit out of our systems.

Doesn't mean I wouldn't kiss him crazy if I got the opportunity, or that we couldn't have mindblowing sex down the road, but for now sharing an interest -- or a few dozen -- do a pretty good job of filling the potentially-awkward silence.

Eh, but I've already decided if this didn't work out I'd stick to being single for a while. Seems a good choice. I'm free to flirt without any serious strings, and get a few dozen guys to buy me drinks on my birthday.

Laundry Day

Am I really into this guy? He makes me nervous, sure, but he doesn't inspire Wannajumpimitis. He's admitted that he's awful at quote-talking-to-girls-endquote. I guess in the back of my mind I wonder if he won't be terrible in bed, or whatever this thing that I can't name or place, will fade as I get to know him better. I could live without him, I guess, although the excitement of the next date has held me in its thrall so far. Am I just using him? It's been a week and I'm worried about fucking things up with him. But I guess I've had such a messy summer that I'm living like I've got nothing to lose -- and I guess we'll see what comes of that. Hot Rod is magnificent, but he's a stranger. I really need to spend some time getting to know him -- and maybe that's the difference between Hot Rod and the other guys I've slept with (although he's not really a member of that group yet): I knew all of them (except Turkic, but we'd been talking daily for a week prior). So maybe my hesitance is natural, and familiarity-based.

Sure we've talked on the phone for now twelve hours, plus eight in each others' presence, but that's admittedly not much. I'd like to kiss him some more, to trace his chest hair and find out his least-favorite body party, so that I can compliment it to death. I want to get him drunk and kiss him everywhere except the mouth. I'd like to play the naughty schoolgirl to his beleaguered teacher. To teach him to dance. I'd like, at some point further down the road, to admit the ten people I've kissed, and the stories behind them.  To talk about the time I maybe cheated on a guy, and my worst break-ups. And how it all happened the summer before I asked him out. I'd like to get his history, collapse in a sweaty mass beside him, and race him to the shower. I want, and I don't know why, but but I really hope he wants too.

Jeez. Is it just that he's a guy, or that he's Hot Rod? Is it more than his goofily white grin and glasses? I feel like  I'm not allowed to talk about sex, that I'll chase him off somehow or make it all about sex even before  we've gotten there -- God I hope I don't fuck this one up, too.

TNSTAAFL

With Arch I got a friend, somebody who's earned the right to call me crazy without me overthinking it. Somebody I could crash on the couch of, and who I'd let crash on mine (if I had a couch).
With Turkic I got self-confidence, and an introduction to sex as a plaything, and I learned my lesson until it stuck.
With Finn -- at the very least I've got a label, an answer for "What kind of music do you like?" And it's still a lot, most, but the new answer's definitely "Early '90s Alt Rock" and hey, that's easier to say.

Not With a Bang

This thing with Finn is coming to an end. It's been a nice run, but he's been way distant lately and I kind of want to pursue the Hot Rod, so fuck men. Cross (friend of Arch, lives here in town) has been strangely friendly lately, so I'll copy the text convo. It's a bit funny; I originally mistook him as a different [first name], with whom I went on one date and wasn't attracted to (called Narcoleptic). It was tons of fun working that one out.

27 June 09:33 I had a dream that made me wish that you weren't a good friends ex, lol.
     27 June 09:45 Not sure what that means? :) But what was the dream about?
27 June 09:51 Oh, it was inappropriate, lol.
27 June 10:10 And how have you been, ma'am?
     27 June 10:20 A lot of the same, with more packing. Moving both offices and homes within a month isn't fun.
27 June 10:49 Sounds taxing indeed.

02 July 20:44 I feel Facebook poked, ma'am.
     02 July 22:24 GASP.
02 July 22:25 Le gasp, even.
     02 July 22:30 Yes indeed. I also owe you an apology for not responding the other time. I had thought the message was from a creepy guy I'd gone on one date with. Sorry!
02 July 22:31 Ah ha, well I can certainly see how that would be construed as a creepy, lol. It's a strange reason to strike up a conversation, for sure.
     02 July 22:34 Sure, but this guy (Cross in my phone) had earned the blow-off, not you. And I just now realised my mistake.
02 July 22:35 Well... I'm Cross! What'd he do to be creepy?
     02 July 22:39 Good question. I was attributing your message, so... I guess before that he just came off as super lazy, and a little pushy.
02 July 22:40 Ah ha, so my message was lazy and pushy?
     02 July 22:45 No, but super creepy when I thought it was the other guy.

03 July 00:50 Aaaaaaaand I'm sleepy.
     03 July 00:51 Yuup. There's a lot of that at this hour.
03 July 00:52 You too, eh?
     03 July 00:53 Took a nap earlier, but yeah, soon.

Jealous

"It would be hypocritical of me...""No good at relationships...""Don't want..." "Shouldn't have..."

I asked him if -- well, I told him, rather. He'd said ages back when this first started that he wouldn't be upset if I wanted to try things out again with Turkic, and at the time I rolled my eyes and laughed, but that's not the important part. I referenced this conversation, and said, "I'd want you to be upset."

And then he fell asleep. I was a bit peeved at this. Anyway, he woke up and explained the above whatever. Which upset me, I think naturally. Rather than say nothing and lay in his arms feeling hurt (a very strange situation) I tried to laugh at myself. I said I understood it logically, but the girlitude in me means that I can't help but hear that I'm not worth being jealous over.

Then he redeemed himself quite beautifully by saying, "When a man says he wouldn't be upset it means he would be upset..." and then something about how he shouldn't stand in the way of something that I want more. Anyway, he got a kiss for not being an asshole. And then we had a lovely conversation about the various sex organs and I kept him up for a while. Yeah, that part was good.

If You Give a Mouse a Cookie...

This is a transcript of a text exchange with Finn today.

7:33 A.M.	To: Finn	It's probably a good thing Mr. Sandman's keeping us apart. My sex drive's a lot like "If You Give a Mouse a Cookie." :)
8:42 A.M.	From: Finn	Haha. “If you give an M some nookie.”
8:47A.M.	To: Finn	Hahaha! How’s that book end again? Doesn’t the house fall down? I hope your friend’s place is structurally stable. :)
9:51 A.M.	From: Finn	Haha. If you give an M some nookie, she’ll want some light bdsm.
9:54 A.M.	To: Finn	And if D gets some light bdsm he’ll probably want a shower.
9:55 A.M.	From: Finn	And if they take a shower, they will want to cuddle.
9:56 A.M.	To: Finn	And if they cuddle they’ll probably start talking.
9:57 A.M.	From: Finn	And if they start talking chances are they will stay up late.
9:59 A.M.	To: Finn	And if they stay up late M will sleepily scratch D’s head.
10:00 A.M.	From: Finn	And if M scratches his head, he’ll start to babble.
10:02 A.M.	To: Finn	And if he starts to babble the topic could be anything.

That was twenty minutes ago, but eh, he's at work. I just think this exchange is hilarious, and pretty much exactly how us together happens, though not quite as much lately.

In the first five days I think we had sex four times? And then every other or every two days for a while, but not at all between last Wednesday and Monday night. He was moving, I was working, he was sleeping, I was sleeping...all rather ridiculous, actually. On Monday we were flirting throughout the day, but I figured he'd have early evening plans. He said I should come by, I asked when. I was also incredibly tired. He sent me his address, I asked what that was -- and fell asleep.

This was about 8 P.M. He said, "My address. I've penciled you in for 8:30," but I was out. I got that message at about 11:30 P.M. when I woke up. I replied with *headdesk*s, but he was still up so we started inching back toward a meetup. It had been a few days, and yes, I was horny. Anyway, we're talking for a half-hour or so, and he falls asleep. I shrug, figure I'll snuggle under the covers and watch some TV, and after I had decided I really needed to close my eyes, at about 3 A.M., he gets back to me. He says I should swing by in the A.M. if I want, and I say I'm still up, and it is the A.M. What time does he mean? His reply, and probably my favorite thing that any guy can say: "5 minutes from now is perfect ;)".

So I guess we're back on. It's Wednesday, there's flirting, he's got a new place with no roommates and a real bed -- yeah, I'm pleased.

Circles

Feel like I've gone all the way around this. Sometime - no, exactly when I received a message that said, "Wanna fuck?" I realised that Finn couldn't possibly want more than what this is. Which I'm half okay with. I'm okay because I know what's wrong with him (immaturity, mostly) and as fun as he is I know I'd be settling. I'm not okay because especially in an empty town like this one becomes in summer I need to surround myself with people who care about me, not just who I care about. That's way too much energy to expend if I'm not reciprocated. So I'm back to the interwebs, carefully stroking my online dating profile back to life and am cautiously hopeful. There's a guy, J, who's 32 and seems to have interests that are tangential to mine, and he's literate and that's lovely. So older, but he's at least done something with that time, and I suppose we'll just have to see. I never would have considered pursuing someone so much older than me, but we'll find out. I guess I'm just not picky about those things. Gotta keep my options open, I guess.

Oh, and I'm attracted to tallish girls with curly dark hair and wide smiles. I'm less surprised by this than I probably should be. I don't think me and a woman would really work long-term, but I can see fevered groping in a closet, and that's something.

Pet Names

I'm a bitch, but I normally (three times now, which makes it noteworthy) just lay naked in bed and let him (Finn) walk himself out. Well tonight he asked if I was walking him out, so I put on a robe and kissed him goodbye and he said, "Bonne nuit, mon petit Chou-fleur." (Yes, that took about three Google searches to spell correctly.) Admittedly I wasn't entirely out of place, since I'd told him to "fuck me until I moan in German" and we'd been tossing around a bit of Spanish, but a pet name? In French? And when we were laying naked in bed after sex and shower, just talking (!!!), he made a comment about being hungry. Didn't go beyond that, but...I dunno. I gave him a massage and scratched his back, he scratched mine... I really don't think this is going anywhere much, because as I said before there are a couple things that annoy me about him, but I guess after a week of sex (and texting back and forth all day, every day, and another week of that before we got to the sex), I'm beginning to wonder if he's showing an interest in something more. 

Really not sure what I'll do if it gets there. S'pose we'll just have to see what develops. 


Edit: Finn's at a bar trivia night, and I got 'Drinking authentic German beer. Thought of ya," on my phone and smiled, before I realised it was Arch, and that's really less grin-worthy. Hmmm.

Terrible Ideas

I know this is one. Even though he's annoying enough to me that there's little chance I'll really fall, I'm at work now, irritated and grumpy and I'm definitely interested in getting tied up and fucked until I forget his name. This shouldn't be my stress relief, but it's another four-and-a-half months before I can buy a handle of whiskey or three bottles of New Zealand Sauvignon Blanc, and as far as I'm aware I can get laid with minimal effort whenever I ask for it.

I like that I can flirt, that I can be pissed off and aroused and angry and it really doesn't matter. Mostly it's a lot of flirting. Emoticon.

Three-Way

Note: The title refers to the confusion of talking to three men at once. Keep your pants on.

Um. I'm having trouble breathing and I think I've been blushing for an hour straight. I've been chatting with Finn since...well, about four hours. Turkic hasn't contacted me at all, but 's fine because Arch was having me edit his paper and that was taking my focus, and then Rhode Island (blind-date set up, went alright but he's headed out of town in a few days) was also chatting me up...

And you'll notice the change of tense because I got all distracted and other things happened and all this was at ~4AM but now it's 8AM and do I have a story to tell.

So Finn and I were chatting back and forth, about perversity and fetishes and attraction, masturbation and bondage and very briefly vibrators - oh, and the secrets to the psyches of the sexes. We were chatting for about three or so hours and then he says, just after three, that he's naked and wet. Because he's just gotten out of the shower, obviously, but it formed a lump in my throat and I was turned on already. Words like that really weren't fair.

So then the conversation turned to sex in showers, then sex in space shuttles, then bondage and his experiences with it. So then I admit my particular inclination for being tied up and then we get speculative but not very subtle. Then I wasn't having much luck keeping my head straight, so I used the words "hot and bothered". He used the words "rock hard" and I egged him on until he said, "I would like to fuck you," which is stupid polite for the words that are in that sentence. I hesitated, wavered, asked what he wanted. Good choice. "you. here. 5 min."

Well, that does it for me. I can't think of any other combination of words that would get me in a man's bed faster. And yes, I was really fucking turned on, but I worried about waking up his housemates, so that says something. And so he invited me to stay over, though it was probably 5AM by that point, and we talked 'til past six, and eventually I drifted off and...

And he wants a next time, and he wrapped himself around me through morning and didn't want me to be late and it's all incredibly sweet and made better by the fact that I haven't turned into an epicly psychotic woman yet, that I'm not pathetically attached to him or the idea of him, that at least for now we're just enjoying each other.

99 Problems, but a Dick Ain't One

If I've got one worst problem, it'd be that I'm too optimistic, too willing to forgive and make good. This guy. I keep hearing how interested, focused on me he is, and then all he wants is me far far away. Y'know, I'm not sure I can handle that. What the hell. It's resolved, and I'm moving on with my life. This really isn't going to work unless he does a whole lot of manning up, so I'm just gonna call it good and that'll be that.

He needs space? He can have *all* the frickin' space. Now, if only I could find something enjoyable to keep myself distracted for the time being.

Dear you,

You've got great friends, and I'd like to be friends with them, too...and they're building you up, and...agh. I'm pissed off, but.
Later: Fuck if I don't think you're sortof adorable all worn out. And I'm sorry for ranting and not letting you get a word in edgewise. I appreciate how up-front you were about not being ready for a relationship, and I hope this giving-you-space thing works out. Actually, I hope you are reminded daily of how great I am until you're driven crazy with curiosity and call me. ;)
Neither of us is perfect. I hope I've made things clear on my side and you've definitely exhibited your dickishness, but resolution can do wonders. Now I've just got to buckle down and focus on my life right now, and hope you're thinking of me.

Me.

Vent

Well, I got me some resolution, and that's real good. He acknowledged that he was a dick, and I didn't let him talk enough, but he was feeling like crap so maybe that was good. He's got a lot going on in his life right now and isn't ready for a relationship but "can't" tell me to just fuck off, which makes me grin. Anyway, I'm giving him space. No contact unless he calls, but I think I'll survive. He's got a whole lot going on and I don't want to add more to it. Or, I do but won't. Backing off and being satisfied that we're good.

I don't fear alcohol

Because I'm up-front when I'm sober. And I'm over you. I. yes, I was under you. Figuratively and literally. And I've moved on, shrugged it off. I'm prepared to freak out in your direction anytime soon. I think I'm a little out of it from the combination of nasal decongestants and alcohol and antihistamines. And, y'know, the fact that I'm sick as a dog and I really should just eat some more soup.

Heavy Eyelids

End of the night I want to communicate with somebody. Turns out these days it's just me around. Pink went off to the bars and my sister couldn't hold a communication without interrupting with a non sequitur. I called Arch and we chatted a bit. It's very very weird but I'm sure I'm over him and it's really odd but apparently his love life's going in something of the same direction (that is, badly) and I find it really amusing. He talked about some girl and I was curious about her name but only after he asked Turkic's name and then he asked what I honestly thought of him. I said he's a great guy but doesn't know what he wants and needs to be more aggressive in bed. He mentioned he'd tried that and quite liked it. That doesn't make me sad or jealous, just...I find it funny. Amusing, and a little strange. But I'm glad he's found somebody that things worked with? And I'm sorry they didn't work for longer. And he's willing to admit I'm attractive, which I appreciate. I have no interest in dating him again, and am glad we can talk like friends again. My life feels really empty lately, and as much as I'm going to hate the next few weeks (dead week & finals), I think I'm going to hate this summer more. One of my fantastic amazing coworkers is moving far far away and Pink will be at an internship a state away and Arch's going to be out of the country so no chance of us hanging out and Soprana will be at least an hour away at home and working. I just want to do something that doesn't involve me feeling so fucking alone.