Move In

My wrist says OUTLAW POWER. Last night I drank two gin and tonics after a margarita and danced on a pole. I know he loves me. I never have to worry about that, and yet...a move like this, so quickly, after only three months -- WHAT IF I feel like I'm making myself so vulnerable, opening myself up to pain and I've had that. I'm no a real orphan, starving or anything like that, but I've had a life.

Do I trust this man not to hurt me? It says so much, how he treats his exes...he's sweet and wonderful and NICE, and everyone knows it. What if he leaves me? It's been eight months since Ethan and twenty-five since my dad, and this is a choice for me to make. He's in this. He makes bad jokes, but he loves me, crazy and all. I have to decide if I trust him enough to make this situation, this absurd set of circumstances, official. I know I love him because it would hurt so badly if he were gone. Although, is that how one defines love? He makes me happy, and I don't get tired of him. I can't imagine I ever would, but I fear that he will me. It's absurd. I want this. Through all three months I've screamed my fear and rushed headlong and sometimes tripped on my own laces and he's always caught me. He's there. He loves me. I don't have anything to fear. Just fall. He'll catch me.

This guy

I don't know what the hell to do about him. Obviously not pursue, not just yet; he's got a lot of shit going on, and I don't want to muck with that. But he's also sweet as candy and hasn't run off screaming yet. I'm trying to toe the line between platonic friend and unabashed flirt, and sometimes I slide a little too far one way or another, but overall I think it's going alright.

To update: Friday night I asked him to come over to see a new jacket I'd bought (sexy leather cropped, and this was me pushing), and he then invited me watch movies with him and his friend (Professor; him making a move). We saw Earth Girls Are Easy and The Faculty, and ended up holding hands on the couch (me  pushing, insisting he sit beside me), and kept holding hands until I let go (him making a move). Afterward he drove me home and said we should do it again sometime soon (him making a move). I agreed, and said I'd had a great time.
Saturday I asked if he'd be alright taking part in a sort-of triple-date game night with Pink, Soprana, and their men (pushing). He said that was alright, but he didn't want it to be awkward. I then spend the day angsting about whether I was making things awkward for him. Eventually we decided it wasn't awkward, but I do owe him a coffee. But as to his shit, I learned (while out of town, at a concert with Pink), that his father was in the hospital with an infection. Later Saturday after I got home he clarified that his dad was stable, and the antibiotics are working, but that the doctors are worried about his heart.

So today's Sunday and they're running tests, and Hot Rod is texting me while he sits in a hospital and there's been a bit of flirting but more than that I think I'm doing an alright job of being the sympathetic friend, if the friend with dad-died-in-a-hospital baggage. I'm hanging out with Pink at one of the computer laps on campus, and she's working on homework with her lab group while I text Hot Rod, trying to keep his spirits up, and write this gibberish.

To Baker

[Baker is a guy in KC who I've been chatting with on Tumblr.]

• me: Hi. I like you. Lunch sometime?
• him: Yeah, uh. Sounds good.
• ---
• me: So this is going really well, wow. You seem really great. So what's wrong with you?
• him: I'm a serial killer.
• me: Oh, really? That's exciting.
• him: Yeah, definitely. Great fun. Maybe one day I'll kidnap you and lock you in my basement.
• me: Oh, don't tease. You don't even have a basement, and your closet door's much too flimsy to hold me.
• ---
• him: So I'm really excited to see you again. How's tomorrow or the day after sound?
• me: Geez. All I want to do is kiss you. You're amazing. There's got to be something wrong with you.
• him: No, not really. Nothing big.
• ---
• me: You're not perfect, but you're pretty damn close. We should do this again sometime.
• him: I'm still hung up on my ex and I had a dream about her the other day and I don't know that I can do this thing with you even though you're great and it's a lot of fun. Maybe I want to be around you but she just left and I was really depressed and then you came along and I should have said something but I really like you so if I decide I can't do this will you still be around?
• ---
• me: ...
• me: ...
• me: ...
• me: ...
• me: ...
• me: ...
• me: SERIOUSLY?!

#I liked you better when you were a serial killer

^ This is what I posted, with the 'him' being Hot Rod, and Baker asked if that was what actually happened. I responded:

Oh jeez. Yeah, that's really what happened. I'm waiting to hear back I guess about whether he's ready for a relationship? Or something? I don't know. (It's been a super long day and I'm way too tired to string words together, so sorry if this makes no sense. Also sorry for the emotion dump. Again, sleep or lack thereof.) I'm getting kinda tired of being unable to wrap my brain around two people liking each other, being single and reasonably attractive and living fairly stable lives and yet NOT PURSUING IT. It's absolutely contrary to the way my brain works, and if one more fucking man tells me I'm amazing and fun and beautiful but he's just not sure right now I swear I'm going to throw hammers. Nothing against you, of course, 'cos you're brilliant and offered me eclairs. I'm just a bit bitter at the moment. And hell, maybe he'll call me up in three days or a week and say, "I'm sorry I'm such a chickenshit. I really like being around you. Can we do more of that?" but the fact that he even hesitated, that he's questioning whether I'm worth pursuing -- shit, it's enough to give a girl a complex.

Montage

Jeez, it's been a couple of days. Well, I had sex with Hardy and don't know whether to call that four or five, but who really cares? Turkic, I guess (ha!), but somehow I get the feeling he won't be seen around much. Finn, maybe, but I don't know that it's really his business. However.

Well, backing up. Friday my new corset (comic themed!) came in. I'd been chatting with Hardy all day and it came down to "if you're more direct, sure you can see it" which became me driving out to his place for movies. And, as it turns out, sex. Which -- I took along condoms, so it was a possibility, but I absolutely intended to leave that night. Yeah. So he made it clear he's not really looking for a relationship, and (I don't know how my brain works, but fuck this connection) to me that means there's nothing to ruin by having sex too early. Or something.

Anyway, I'd gotten advice from Pink that I need to stop spending time with Finn, and definitely not have sex with anyone until I have an actual relationship. Yeah, right. I spent that night at Hardy's house (mostly wanted to find out if the awkward lack of communication would go away with pillow talk, partly didn't feel like driving home) then left in the morning with a bit of groping and no kissing whatsoever. Huh.

Got home after donating plasma, in a bit of a mood. Not regretting the sex, 'cos whatever, but pissed off that it seemed like no man wants to get to know me or spend time with me, aside from what's required to bed me. Drank a bit, ordered sushi, and watched Law & Order. I have strange coping habits.

Got to talking to Finn, who it turns out was trying to fix Betsy (his truck), who's broken down. He was also in a bit of a mood, and probably would have slipped to sleep, except I really was sick of being alone in my state and so I told him I wanted company. He said I could come over.

And then. Me in a corset (same corset, different everything else), curled up to Finn watching Creep Show and yelling at the cat, just hearing about his day and scratching his back, and I got out the questions I wanted to ask -- most importantly how he felt about me getting asked out by other men, since that seems to be happening a lot lately, and he went into the sort of detail about a hypothetical situation that made me wonder if he'd read these posts or saw Hardy & I at the movies (very eerie, actually), but his answer was that I don't owe him any loyalty, could go pursue romantic entanglements to my heart's content, but that he'd still be here.

Jeez. Trying not to read into that, but it's hard, given how he makes me laugh.

And I have to backtrack a little to explain this next bit. In a fully-clothed moment I'd asked Hardy what he wanted, and he'd said "to fuck your brains out." Which he later admitted hadn't happened, so we'd have to try again sometime. Then with Finn inside me I asked what he wanted (hoping he'd come out and admit that it's me) and he said he had what he wanted (my lips on his dick, tits in his face, hands on my ass, and me moaning -- not all at once, obvs). Then he asked what I wanted, and out of curiosity, I said I wanted him to fuck my brains out.

Does that man ever take suggestions. Wow. In positions I probably wouldn't put on my Top 5 list he made my breath catch and my mind go fuzzy. In the end I screamed. For a bottom, he's such an impressive top it's not funny. It doesn't hurt that he sang "Car Wash" in the shower afterward, and just talks to me about whatever the hell.

And then. He got hungry and made a point to ask if he ought to cook or if he could impress me with frozen pizza and homemade cookies. So I drove to the store, which was probably the most entertaining Wal-Mart run I've ever been on, and maybe I was a little more handsy in public than I ought to have been, but he didn't say anything. We picked up frozen pizza and breadsticks and steam-in-a-bag veggies and went back to his place to make dinner. Which I didn't help much with, like a derp.

And we sat at the little table-for-two in his kitchen and he opened a bottle of wine and before that while the food was cooking we'd danced around the living room and he'd spun me and. Yes, he makes lovely cookies. He stuffed me full of food and made me laugh and danced with me, and he made the point more than once that he'd be doing the same thing if I hadn't been there, except he wouldn't have had use of my car, but.

Even though he finally kicked me out at 10:30 (after six hours of me camped out at his place) he moaned into my mouth at the end and then sent me a text about getting the mail. It's been a long time coming, but I think I'm falling for him. And I don't know what to do about that at all.

(I'd sent Hardy a message earlier in the day to the effect of "That was odd. What do you think?" and when I got home I saw he'd replied, basically, "I agree. Not sure what I want." I sent back "Take your time." Obviously I need to focus on Finn right now, no matter what Pink says.)

Not With a Bang

This thing with Finn is coming to an end. It's been a nice run, but he's been way distant lately and I kind of want to pursue the Hot Rod, so fuck men. Cross (friend of Arch, lives here in town) has been strangely friendly lately, so I'll copy the text convo. It's a bit funny; I originally mistook him as a different [first name], with whom I went on one date and wasn't attracted to (called Narcoleptic). It was tons of fun working that one out.

27 June 09:33 I had a dream that made me wish that you weren't a good friends ex, lol.
     27 June 09:45 Not sure what that means? :) But what was the dream about?
27 June 09:51 Oh, it was inappropriate, lol.
27 June 10:10 And how have you been, ma'am?
     27 June 10:20 A lot of the same, with more packing. Moving both offices and homes within a month isn't fun.
27 June 10:49 Sounds taxing indeed.

02 July 20:44 I feel Facebook poked, ma'am.
     02 July 22:24 GASP.
02 July 22:25 Le gasp, even.
     02 July 22:30 Yes indeed. I also owe you an apology for not responding the other time. I had thought the message was from a creepy guy I'd gone on one date with. Sorry!
02 July 22:31 Ah ha, well I can certainly see how that would be construed as a creepy, lol. It's a strange reason to strike up a conversation, for sure.
     02 July 22:34 Sure, but this guy (Cross in my phone) had earned the blow-off, not you. And I just now realised my mistake.
02 July 22:35 Well... I'm Cross! What'd he do to be creepy?
     02 July 22:39 Good question. I was attributing your message, so... I guess before that he just came off as super lazy, and a little pushy.
02 July 22:40 Ah ha, so my message was lazy and pushy?
     02 July 22:45 No, but super creepy when I thought it was the other guy.

03 July 00:50 Aaaaaaaand I'm sleepy.
     03 July 00:51 Yuup. There's a lot of that at this hour.
03 July 00:52 You too, eh?
     03 July 00:53 Took a nap earlier, but yeah, soon.

If I Die

1. Cremated, not buried. 
2. Memorial service, though, of some sort. I think that'd be nice.
3. Invite everybody who knows me - most of the Stouties, and the roommates, and Soprana & Pink, obvs, since they're my best friends. All of my coworkers, and Arch & his family, if they want, but you can leave out men who've just slept with me but don't really know me. 
4. Lots of food - lots and lots of good food. And liquor, and loud music. Ya'll had better dance. Make a cardboard cutout of me and dance with it. Draw a mustache on me, and laugh. 
5. Get on with your lives, and do good.

Heavy Eyelids

End of the night I want to communicate with somebody. Turns out these days it's just me around. Pink went off to the bars and my sister couldn't hold a communication without interrupting with a non sequitur. I called Arch and we chatted a bit. It's very very weird but I'm sure I'm over him and it's really odd but apparently his love life's going in something of the same direction (that is, badly) and I find it really amusing. He talked about some girl and I was curious about her name but only after he asked Turkic's name and then he asked what I honestly thought of him. I said he's a great guy but doesn't know what he wants and needs to be more aggressive in bed. He mentioned he'd tried that and quite liked it. That doesn't make me sad or jealous, just...I find it funny. Amusing, and a little strange. But I'm glad he's found somebody that things worked with? And I'm sorry they didn't work for longer. And he's willing to admit I'm attractive, which I appreciate. I have no interest in dating him again, and am glad we can talk like friends again. My life feels really empty lately, and as much as I'm going to hate the next few weeks (dead week & finals), I think I'm going to hate this summer more. One of my fantastic amazing coworkers is moving far far away and Pink will be at an internship a state away and Arch's going to be out of the country so no chance of us hanging out and Soprana will be at least an hour away at home and working. I just want to do something that doesn't involve me feeling so fucking alone.

Two Acetomenaphin

I am probably the most pleasantly hung-over person you'll ever meet. Yesterday I was all edges - need fights, need sex, need to lose control. Well, I lost control and smoothed my edges out with a diamond file and now. Now I'm worn out and sore and ehh. A lot of Ehh. And I know I smell funny. I'm wearing Pink's shorts and a two-day-old shirt (orange) and I feel like a a whole lotta college student-slash-sorority girl. And I don't fucking need to freak so much out about money - which isn't true, but I want to order a copy of Tiger! Tiger! and a Qdoba brownie.
And I feel sick to my stomach and I've fucked up most things in my life and I want to...achieve momentum. That would be the story I wrote lately that got torn up in workshop but which I still love - particularly the title. oooh. I want Taco Bell. Huh. An hour left of this class and I've achieved unmotivated senior level. I do show up (though it's a challenge every T/R) but work on something else every time.

Insignificance

I don't fucking understand how someone who's not interested in having any of a half-dozen men has a half-dozen men dogging her ankles. She got so trashed she couldn't walk, and had two men carrying her. Then there's me, who's relatively cute and knows what she wants and scares every fucking man away.

I just... I don't know if there's something wrong with me (I really don't want this to be the case!) or if there actually are men out there who have the balls to hold their own with me. Fuck, and I don't want to wait two years to find another guy who speaks German. This is just --- HELL. It pisses me off. Why can't men be as fucking up-front and suave as they pretend to be? Or why can't they just say, "Yes, I'd like a sexual relationship but I'm not really good with something emotional right now." Because fuck if I couldn't put up with that. But I'd like to *know* one way or the other.

AGH. I'm tempted to attempt a booty call, but I need to pick up and move on with my life.

Through the Night

Approx. 1 a.m
I am hiding in the basement of CLB, hanging out with a bunch of grad students, ignoring Turkic. Trying to ignore him. Will I be broken up if we don't get along, don't work out? Mm...maybe. But I'm me, and I'm brilliant and beautiful and I'm surrounded by folks I like, so I'm sure I'll survive.
On an unrelated note, both Pink & Soprana are late. So, pregnancy test party? Seems pretty dang exciting.

...I don't know where that thought was going. I guess I'm just tired, and thinking of him. But I'm not going to call or text or chat. I'll let him get around to it. ARGH.

Approx. 4 a.m.
Need to get renter's insurance. Call insurance tomorrow. Speaking of calling, I changed my plan so I'm paying maybe $20 more per month, but shouldn't have to worry about overages. Took a bit of a nap. Still tired but much less so. Drinking Coke Zero. Planning to purchase: bread. Bumblebee Ready-to-Eat. A mattress (memory foam, 10"). A new computer (tablet + keyboard?). Renter's insurance. I really don't have the cash for extraneous purchases. But those bras & panties should come in next week, and I'm gonna flaunt them, whether or not Turkic & I have sorted our shit out. I dunno how I feel about his appearance. I've got no issue being out with him, or with Soprana. I guess I just know that Pink is shallow, and I don't want to have to defend him to my friends based on Facebook photos. I guess I'd prefer she see him in person and judge from the look on my face.

Approx. 4:30 a.m.
Why not just be single? Well, because I'm attracted to and enjoy the company of a particular kind of intelligent, compassionate man.

5:00 a.m.
I want to call him, but won't. I am going to distract myself for one more day, probably by sleeping, and then I'll survive Monday somehow. I'm allowed to give him a call Tuesday evening if he hasn't communicated before then. Hell. I really want this to work out.

Hypothetical Police

Tonight would have been a very bad night to be pulled over.

Firstly, I was wearing a dress, heels, and a beret.

Secondly, I'm twenty, and my breath would have smelled like beer.

Thirdly, there were three open bottles of hard liquor in my backseat. (Open as in unsealed. They all had tops on.)

Fourthly, there was a .22 pistol (unloaded) and three clips (loaded) under the driver's seat.

Fifthly, there was a bag of nine grapefruits and a game of Scrabble in the passenger seat.

You know what all this adds up to?

A REALLY great night.

DISCLAIMER: No, I was not engaging in drunk driving. I had had one beer, over about four hours, in addition to a glass of water and a large meal. That's about as far from drunk driving as one can get.

Also, men are starting to hit on me again. It's weird, but very flattering. I think I may be able to stop calling him now. Two days sober. We'll see.