Loneliness

I need somebody to be there, and probably more regularly than any guy wants to be. And he's made it perfectly clear he doesn't want to be there. I don't want to be alone, and I have no good reason why. And he's good at being there, even when he doesn't mean to be -- I guess especially when he doesn't mean to be. Because he wouldn't, if it were intentional. He's just a guy, and he doesn't want to be the guy, and articles are important, especially when I'm so tired that everything seems vitally important. Based on the quantity of chocolate I've imbibed lately I'm PMSing, if I ever had a period. This is all hormones, probably. But still.

End of Things, but Smile!

In other news, I'm listening to this on repeat.

I've had a couple of shit days in a row, and am not sleeping well, and whatever the hell, but he's going out like a champ. I've got a couple nickles I didn't have last week, and bought a nerdy T-shirt, and maybe I'll pick up a pair of earrings today. And if all goes according to plan I'll be registered for that poetry course by this afternoon.

Oh, and Wednesdays are great because a couple shows I like (really, the only ones I've been watching lately) come on. And I've got leftovers from both Monday's and yesterday's lunch, so I shouldn't starve for a bit yet.

And it seems I may be writing a comic with/for Arch, so that sounds lovely. Now I just need to write something. :)

Fuck Men

So this thing with Finn is -- yeah, whatever the fuck.

It's over but we're still sleeping together, and angry sex is pretty alright, and sex when he's realised how fucking lucky he is is pretty alright. That's Sunday and last night, respectively. The sex continues to be good, though I'm apparently awful at not sleeping over after he's fucked me silly and I really just don't want to move, even if my bed is more comfortable and I need to be up at seven the next morning.

Anyway, so in the wreckage of that there comes a new push at online dating, which has revealed three prospects: Blue, who's an hour away and with whom I have a bowling/dinner date next Saturday; Laws, who isn't the best and capitalization and punctuation, but wants to cuddle with me; and Baker, who lives five hours away but seems super sweet and has a hilarious tumblr account.

I need to buff up my rejection shield and work on turning guys down in person.

Montage

Jeez, it's been a couple of days. Well, I had sex with Hardy and don't know whether to call that four or five, but who really cares? Turkic, I guess (ha!), but somehow I get the feeling he won't be seen around much. Finn, maybe, but I don't know that it's really his business. However.

Well, backing up. Friday my new corset (comic themed!) came in. I'd been chatting with Hardy all day and it came down to "if you're more direct, sure you can see it" which became me driving out to his place for movies. And, as it turns out, sex. Which -- I took along condoms, so it was a possibility, but I absolutely intended to leave that night. Yeah. So he made it clear he's not really looking for a relationship, and (I don't know how my brain works, but fuck this connection) to me that means there's nothing to ruin by having sex too early. Or something.

Anyway, I'd gotten advice from Pink that I need to stop spending time with Finn, and definitely not have sex with anyone until I have an actual relationship. Yeah, right. I spent that night at Hardy's house (mostly wanted to find out if the awkward lack of communication would go away with pillow talk, partly didn't feel like driving home) then left in the morning with a bit of groping and no kissing whatsoever. Huh.

Got home after donating plasma, in a bit of a mood. Not regretting the sex, 'cos whatever, but pissed off that it seemed like no man wants to get to know me or spend time with me, aside from what's required to bed me. Drank a bit, ordered sushi, and watched Law & Order. I have strange coping habits.

Got to talking to Finn, who it turns out was trying to fix Betsy (his truck), who's broken down. He was also in a bit of a mood, and probably would have slipped to sleep, except I really was sick of being alone in my state and so I told him I wanted company. He said I could come over.

And then. Me in a corset (same corset, different everything else), curled up to Finn watching Creep Show and yelling at the cat, just hearing about his day and scratching his back, and I got out the questions I wanted to ask -- most importantly how he felt about me getting asked out by other men, since that seems to be happening a lot lately, and he went into the sort of detail about a hypothetical situation that made me wonder if he'd read these posts or saw Hardy & I at the movies (very eerie, actually), but his answer was that I don't owe him any loyalty, could go pursue romantic entanglements to my heart's content, but that he'd still be here.

Jeez. Trying not to read into that, but it's hard, given how he makes me laugh.

And I have to backtrack a little to explain this next bit. In a fully-clothed moment I'd asked Hardy what he wanted, and he'd said "to fuck your brains out." Which he later admitted hadn't happened, so we'd have to try again sometime. Then with Finn inside me I asked what he wanted (hoping he'd come out and admit that it's me) and he said he had what he wanted (my lips on his dick, tits in his face, hands on my ass, and me moaning -- not all at once, obvs). Then he asked what I wanted, and out of curiosity, I said I wanted him to fuck my brains out.

Does that man ever take suggestions. Wow. In positions I probably wouldn't put on my Top 5 list he made my breath catch and my mind go fuzzy. In the end I screamed. For a bottom, he's such an impressive top it's not funny. It doesn't hurt that he sang "Car Wash" in the shower afterward, and just talks to me about whatever the hell.

And then. He got hungry and made a point to ask if he ought to cook or if he could impress me with frozen pizza and homemade cookies. So I drove to the store, which was probably the most entertaining Wal-Mart run I've ever been on, and maybe I was a little more handsy in public than I ought to have been, but he didn't say anything. We picked up frozen pizza and breadsticks and steam-in-a-bag veggies and went back to his place to make dinner. Which I didn't help much with, like a derp.

And we sat at the little table-for-two in his kitchen and he opened a bottle of wine and before that while the food was cooking we'd danced around the living room and he'd spun me and. Yes, he makes lovely cookies. He stuffed me full of food and made me laugh and danced with me, and he made the point more than once that he'd be doing the same thing if I hadn't been there, except he wouldn't have had use of my car, but.

Even though he finally kicked me out at 10:30 (after six hours of me camped out at his place) he moaned into my mouth at the end and then sent me a text about getting the mail. It's been a long time coming, but I think I'm falling for him. And I don't know what to do about that at all.

(I'd sent Hardy a message earlier in the day to the effect of "That was odd. What do you think?" and when I got home I saw he'd replied, basically, "I agree. Not sure what I want." I sent back "Take your time." Obviously I need to focus on Finn right now, no matter what Pink says.)

Movies and Mayhem and IHOP, oh my!

So last night I went to see The Dark Night Rises (amazing!) and a few things happened. First, I went to see the movie because Finn was sleeping, and hasn't really talked to me in a few days, aside from the odd text. I finally broke down and asked Cross what he was up to, and turns out it was the three movie marathon at the theater. I decided I might as well join him, maybe get laid at the end of it.

I headed over to the theater at quarter to ten to buy my ticket, then probably crash at home for a bit and then go back. Except when I had my ticket I realised there wasn't much for me to do at home, except mope to Arch like I'd been doing for a while. So I call Pink and mope to her and she pretty much told me to move on, forget Finn because he's not worth me anyhow. Yeah, that part's pretty much true. I decide I'll hang out in the nerd line waiting for the doors to open rather than go home, and run into a couple of English majors! One's very funny, charismatic, married with two adorable kids, and the other doesn't go anywhere without a baseball hat, and I don't know much about. Anyway, we get to chatting (and by the way I'm wearing a cami and a leather skirt and heels) to pass the time, and it rains on us a bit and Hardy (baseball hat) offers to trade me places so I don't get too soaked, then we end up running over to the gas station to buy drinks right before the doors open (and I think I lost my credit card there, but I'll find out later today), and on the way back as I'm drinking through a straw and he makes a blowjob joke and I just go with it.

All before sitting next to each other in a movie for two hours. The movie was *amazing*. Hardy explained characters I didn't remember or wasn't familiar with, and laughed at my jokes, and it all went really well. We ended up with our arms touching on the armrest, but not too overtly. Just there. Then afterward he asked if anyone wanted to go to IHOP and although I boycott breakfast food places on principle I kindof wanted to. And it ended up being just us, and he drove, and at the end of the meal he took the check without making a deal out of it, and I couldn't find my card so I kindof made a deal out of it, but I think it went fairly well. We got along fine, and he's nice and a poet (I read a few of his pieces and offered honest criticism, but they were actually decent, so). And between the midnight showing and IHOP afterward (wherein he called me "a cheap date," soo...) I didn't get home until after four. We traded numbers and I'd said I'd show him some poetry so when I got home I opened the computer to go ahead and send that and he sent me a message on FB. So we ended up chatting, and it went a little sideways (in a good way, I think!). I sent him a little more information than I intended, but I guess you can judge for yourself. I'm the indented ones.

o   and now I can't sleep 

o   haha

§  Ha!

§  And I'm the one who had coffee.

o   ha I had two dr peppers

o   not a whole lot better

§  I thought you weren't planning to sleep, anyway?

o   haha idk I love me some sleep that's for sure, but seems a bit pointless now.

§  I'd get max two and a half hours. Might still try, but I dunno.

o   blehh! haha

o   shoulda just spent the night causing trouble around stillwater ha

§  Oh really? What's that look like?

o   huh?

o   what does what look like? haha

§  Causing trouble around Stillwater.

o   haha idk couldn't tell ya

§  Well, to keep you occupied for the next five minutes or so.

§  poems.docx

o   those were pretty good

o   you have a lot of potential

o   but facebook chat is hardly the place for me to give a more indepth critique then that

o   plus I am not in the most aware of mind states at the moment

o   but it was not bad by any means 

§  Yeah, obvs. Just wanted to get it sent before I forgot.

o   ha well thanks for sharing

§  Rereading poems reminds me how many of them were never intended to be read by anyone but myself.

o   hahaha well you should keep working and showing them

§  Working - of course. Showing - not so sure. I had a heck of a time finding four that weren't obviously personal; I'm not a super private person, but I think I'd be uncomfortable sharing many of the others. 

o   haha that just makes me curious! 

§  It's nothing my friends don't know - awful ends of relationships, or beginnings of relationships, or my dad dying, but in explicit, no-holds-barred words that I use in my own head but would never use to describe the same situations to another person.

o   I see I see and undstand, no one gets to see the inside of my notebooks... no one.

§  Because I believe in rewarding curiosity, though, and it's not about anything recent or painful, and I'm absolutely shameless sometimes:

§  [Poem very explicitly about sex.]

§  Annd I'm embarrassed now.

o   haha cause you told me about losing your virginity?

§  Ha! No, not at all.

§  I guess it's not clear; if I'd been a virgin I wouldn't have made the choices that I did in that particular situation.

o   aww I see I see haha

§  Yeah, sorry. That wasn't really fair of me, to toss at you.

o   haha what do you mean?

§  It's different in a workshop class where you're required to read everything for a grade; on your own time it's not really fair to go into certain themes without a disclaimer.

o   bahahahaha

o   well no worries it didn't bother me or anything

§  I have no idea what you do or don't want to know, and while it's poetry it's a lot like reading aloud from my diary, and what if that makes you uncomfortable?

o   I am a pretty easy going guy and am pretty hard to make feel uncomfortable

§  Also, I make bad decisions when tired.

§  Oh *really*?

§  I shouldn't take that as a challenge.

o   haha try if you want, but good luck

o   please do!

o   all you will do is make me laugh (some with and some at you )

o   and I will get lots of info about you to hold over your head! ;P

o   :P*

§  And since I'm a pretty hard person to offend (actually not true; suggest all Germans are Nazis and it'll get under my skin like nothing else) or leverage, I'll probably just succeed at making you laugh.

§  And no wink? Why no wink?

o   well ok ;P

o   ha

o   so are you gonna accept my challenge or not?

o   haha

§  Of trying to make you uncomfortable?

§  Well, you're a twenty-something guy, so I bet nothing related to sex will work, though you did seem to start a bit at virginity.

§  I could go into detail about how it felt to watch my father be alive but unaware in the last days before a phone call told me he was gone, and what knowing I was nowhere nearby felt like, but that's a bit depressing, innit?

§  By the way, yes it still bothers me. No it's not something that's going to change, or something that affects my day-to-day life. I only really think about it in the wee hours or when I've recently reread poetry I wrote about those moments.

§  So if I'm *not* trying to bring the conversation down (which I'm really not; I'm a generally cheerful person), it's got to be something so personal, so outrageous, that your only response would be to pretend or hope that you hadn't heard it.

§  Something wildly inappropriate, perhaps.

o   ha what do ya got for me then?

§  Since you asked, it was a '95 Toyota Tercel. What sort of car did you lose your virginity in?

o   haha and how did you know I lost my virginity in a car?

§  Lucky guess, based on statistics and the general cleanliness/care you take with your current vehicle.

o   hahaha well thanks

o   it was like an 02 buick regal

o   but now you have opened up a can of worms!

o   how old were you?

§  Ha! Nope, you first.

o   ha I was 15

§  Geez. No offense, but that must have been awful. 17. Still kindof awful.

§  Google images says you actually had some room to work with, though.

o   hahahaha yes it was pretty awful

§  Have you ever *seen* a Toyota Tercel?

o   ehh it was a pretty tight fit

o   ok so I had more room than you

o   but she literally just laid there

§  Oh no!

o   so it was a pretty awful experience

o   oh not?

§  'just laid there'

§  That's awful!

§  *But* I think I have it beat.

o   ha I read your exclamtion point as a t hence my confusion

o   but yes it was bad haha

§  And may actually succeed with discomfort.

§  Girl laying there? Awful. Guy subverting every stereotyping and taking for frickin' *ever*? Awful. Guy finally giving up and finishing with a sock? MORE awful.

o   hahaha

o   so now that you are older and wiser do you consider yourself "good" at sex?

§  Ha! I would hope so. That guy certainly got better.

§  Although, just for clarification. 15, so no license yet, right?

§  Please tell me it wasn't your parent's car.

o   ha my older brothers

o   Oh no! Poor guy.

o   haha na he was cool about it

§  He knew?!

o   he knew what was happening when he let me take it

o   hahaha yeah

§  Okay, so your older brother is either super cool or realised the back seat would be cramped and uncomfortable and is secretly a super dick.

o   ha na he is super cool

o   but it was somewhat cramped, not bad, but not near the space I have in my jeep haha

§  Jeez. I can't imagine any of my family being that cool. Though, on the lines of 'uncomfortable,' my father did offer to "leave the house or a few hours, go to the library, maybe help you get a hotel room" if we needed.

o   what?!?! haha

o   that's crazy!

§  Yup!

o   my dad has walked in on me twice haha

§  >< 

§  That's horrible!

o   not actually doing it, but fooling around

o   I thought it was hilarious!

§  That's what blankets are for! Especially if you know your parents are in the house.

§  As long as no-one was mortified or scarred, I can see how that would be amusing.

o   ha the second time the girl I was with ran off the bed and pulled all of the bllankets off the bed!

§  Hahaha!

§  That's the exact *opposite* of helpful.

o   na my dad is pretty cool

o   now if my mom had caught me that would be a whole other story

o   haha indeed

§  So why was it always one and not the other? Your dad just the guy who opens doors unannounced?

o   Idk just by chance I guess

o   he was the one who would come get us for dinner or for whatever so ya

§  My dad mostly just left us alone, and the guy's parents (only slept with one guy before I left for college, and then it didn't matter) were super conservative wait-until-marriage types, so I don't think they wanted to know.

§  The closest I've ever come to being walked in on was accidentally flashing my male roommate when I tried to sneak across the hallway to my bathroom.

o   haha oppsies

§  Oh. Unless you count cops rolling up to a parked car and turning their spotlights on.

o   bahahahahahaha nice!

§  Three times. Tulsa cops are crazy.

o   ha I guess

o   thank god for being in college and having our own places eh?

§  Very much so. Don't even have roommates now, and isn't that an enormous perk.

§  You can't put a value on doing dishes without pants on.

o   ha sometimes I hate having such a vivid imagination

§  Oh really?

§  Do tell.

o   haha well there is not much to tell

o   you are just giving my mind a lot to work with

§  Sorry. Like I said, I'm kindof shameless. Sometimes I don't consider the less-than-innocuous meanings behind conversations.

§  Sometimes I do, and am doing it on purpose.

§  I suppose we'll have to see.

o   hahaha oh really?

o   now that's just not fair at all

§  Turnabout's fair game, you know.

§  Unless you don't want me to have information to hold over your head.

o   haha I guess it depends what I get in exchange 

o   but I don't see how this is turnabout

o   I still see this as you being very fickle, on purpose, know full well what you are doing haha

§  According to you, your brain is getting full of pseudo-innocuous information that it's trying to sort through and respond to.

§  Turnabout would be bringing up specific selected information in an attempt to elicit a similar resonse.

§  And fickle? Really? I've been called bitchy, a tease, bitter, cruel, and a myriad of other adjectives and descriptive phrases. Never fickle, though.

o   haha I like fickle because it does not come with the huge negative conatations

o   just because you are teasing me, doesn't mean it is a negative 

§  Oh, I'd hope not.

§  And I'm still anticipating your return volley.

o   ha well I asked for all I got, so I suppose you will have to ask to right questions 

o   I have no idea where to begin to set out to just start teasing you hahahaha

§  Insisting I come up with questions is a bit frustrating, I'll admit.

§  Alright, what sort of themes come up in these notebooks of yours? Are these journals, or straight poetry?

o   ha if the conversation had the tone that I thought it had then my notebooks are not going to continue that tone at all.

o   well now that I have completely fucked that up

o   my journals are just full of my ideas for poems or self reflection, they are definitely not journals, but they contain a lot of where my poetry comes from, nothing majorly personal just not things I want to share.

§  Jeez, sorry. I actually fell asleep accidentally.

§  D'oh. Time for up and toward work!

 

So after that we were texting a bit today, about the movie mostly but also the conversation, and I got about four hours of sleep (talking ended ~6AM, but I called into work and took a couple hours off to sleep), and after work today if all goes well I'm going be donating plasma-slash-teasing Finn. I guess we'll just see how that goes?

The only downside, besides that he doesn't give a shit for grammar, is he's only 5'6". Not as much of a deal breaker as I expected, actually. Of my five-step process:
1. Dark hair, not longer than chin length, but not a buzz cut. Glasses.
     - Contacts, I think, but he *owns* glasses. The hair's right. 95%
2. At least 6'.
     - Obviously not. 0%
3. Not way too skinny, not incredibly overweight.
     - Seems average-sized, on the slim side. Works on a ranch so I assume the tossing me around would happen. 100%
4. SMART!
     - Seems to be. :) 100%
5. PASSIONATE!
     - Obviously. 100%
~6. Into me.
     - No idea. But it seems he might be?

Anyway, between he and the other (don't want to use up all my pseudonyms, and I hate remembering them) guy, I've been convinced to enroll in a different section of my fall poetry course. Looking forward to that!