Two of Them

Just because there are two - nice guys, I guess, does that mean there's really a choice? I don't know that it's comparable, though maybe it'd be easier if it were. There's one that I want, and that's lust and self-esteem but it's us both being fucked up individuals and no worries. Nothing to lose, it almost seems like. A bad decision and it's my fault if I get hurt again, but I know it's a bad decision, he's a bad idea and I want it anyway. And I think I'd wonder "what if..." 'cos when we're together it's - yes. And maybe that's the sex. Maybe that's the ego that I'm insecure and then I get what I want. But the insecure sucks. Is he ever going to be the guy who makes me feel confident? The other one is just there. I dunno if he wants to be there, but he is, and that means something. He's funny and nerdy and sweet - and maybe ridiculous. Maybe both of them are too young for me, at heart, at action, and maybe S is too down, too messed up inside and focused on himself, and it's like there's no room for me. But it feels. But it feels like he wants it, like the rough edges of us could fit together and slice each other up, and I'm selfish and I want. This is so fucked up and it seems so right - even if it's off the beaten path and over a cliff from where I thought I was supposed to be going. Maybe I'll fall in the water and almost drown and end up with somebody's suitcase caught on my ankle, but maybe I'll move along with the current and be just fine.