Circles

Feel like I've gone all the way around this. Sometime - no, exactly when I received a message that said, "Wanna fuck?" I realised that Finn couldn't possibly want more than what this is. Which I'm half okay with. I'm okay because I know what's wrong with him (immaturity, mostly) and as fun as he is I know I'd be settling. I'm not okay because especially in an empty town like this one becomes in summer I need to surround myself with people who care about me, not just who I care about. That's way too much energy to expend if I'm not reciprocated. So I'm back to the interwebs, carefully stroking my online dating profile back to life and am cautiously hopeful. There's a guy, J, who's 32 and seems to have interests that are tangential to mine, and he's literate and that's lovely. So older, but he's at least done something with that time, and I suppose we'll just have to see. I never would have considered pursuing someone so much older than me, but we'll find out. I guess I'm just not picky about those things. Gotta keep my options open, I guess.

Oh, and I'm attracted to tallish girls with curly dark hair and wide smiles. I'm less surprised by this than I probably should be. I don't think me and a woman would really work long-term, but I can see fevered groping in a closet, and that's something.

Rules

I'm drunk (tipsy, really, and tired) and I miss him, or at least his body next to mine, that warmth and the arm holding me, and I shouldn't want him, 'cos that's against the rules. Mutual horniness, that's what the rules are, and that's it. Some sleepovers, sure, and morning sex, and it's all lovely even if I'm a bit late to work and smell like sex, but missing him? This is hell.

I shouldn't want it, shouldn't want anybody at one-thirty in the morning except me, maybe. This feeling of attachment is dumb, and bad, and probably unhealthy. It only really works if I'm not attached -- and I don't know that this is working. Fuck. I just want him to hold me.

Pet Names

I'm a bitch, but I normally (three times now, which makes it noteworthy) just lay naked in bed and let him (Finn) walk himself out. Well tonight he asked if I was walking him out, so I put on a robe and kissed him goodbye and he said, "Bonne nuit, mon petit Chou-fleur." (Yes, that took about three Google searches to spell correctly.) Admittedly I wasn't entirely out of place, since I'd told him to "fuck me until I moan in German" and we'd been tossing around a bit of Spanish, but a pet name? In French? And when we were laying naked in bed after sex and shower, just talking (!!!), he made a comment about being hungry. Didn't go beyond that, but...I dunno. I gave him a massage and scratched his back, he scratched mine... I really don't think this is going anywhere much, because as I said before there are a couple things that annoy me about him, but I guess after a week of sex (and texting back and forth all day, every day, and another week of that before we got to the sex), I'm beginning to wonder if he's showing an interest in something more. 

Really not sure what I'll do if it gets there. S'pose we'll just have to see what develops. 


Edit: Finn's at a bar trivia night, and I got 'Drinking authentic German beer. Thought of ya," on my phone and smiled, before I realised it was Arch, and that's really less grin-worthy. Hmmm.

Terrible Ideas

I know this is one. Even though he's annoying enough to me that there's little chance I'll really fall, I'm at work now, irritated and grumpy and I'm definitely interested in getting tied up and fucked until I forget his name. This shouldn't be my stress relief, but it's another four-and-a-half months before I can buy a handle of whiskey or three bottles of New Zealand Sauvignon Blanc, and as far as I'm aware I can get laid with minimal effort whenever I ask for it.

I like that I can flirt, that I can be pissed off and aroused and angry and it really doesn't matter. Mostly it's a lot of flirting. Emoticon.

Three-Way

Note: The title refers to the confusion of talking to three men at once. Keep your pants on.

Um. I'm having trouble breathing and I think I've been blushing for an hour straight. I've been chatting with Finn since...well, about four hours. Turkic hasn't contacted me at all, but 's fine because Arch was having me edit his paper and that was taking my focus, and then Rhode Island (blind-date set up, went alright but he's headed out of town in a few days) was also chatting me up...

And you'll notice the change of tense because I got all distracted and other things happened and all this was at ~4AM but now it's 8AM and do I have a story to tell.

So Finn and I were chatting back and forth, about perversity and fetishes and attraction, masturbation and bondage and very briefly vibrators - oh, and the secrets to the psyches of the sexes. We were chatting for about three or so hours and then he says, just after three, that he's naked and wet. Because he's just gotten out of the shower, obviously, but it formed a lump in my throat and I was turned on already. Words like that really weren't fair.

So then the conversation turned to sex in showers, then sex in space shuttles, then bondage and his experiences with it. So then I admit my particular inclination for being tied up and then we get speculative but not very subtle. Then I wasn't having much luck keeping my head straight, so I used the words "hot and bothered". He used the words "rock hard" and I egged him on until he said, "I would like to fuck you," which is stupid polite for the words that are in that sentence. I hesitated, wavered, asked what he wanted. Good choice. "you. here. 5 min."

Well, that does it for me. I can't think of any other combination of words that would get me in a man's bed faster. And yes, I was really fucking turned on, but I worried about waking up his housemates, so that says something. And so he invited me to stay over, though it was probably 5AM by that point, and we talked 'til past six, and eventually I drifted off and...

And he wants a next time, and he wrapped himself around me through morning and didn't want me to be late and it's all incredibly sweet and made better by the fact that I haven't turned into an epicly psychotic woman yet, that I'm not pathetically attached to him or the idea of him, that at least for now we're just enjoying each other.

Fucked-Up Situation

I can't send this to you, but there's another man. There's a guy who's sweet and funny and just nerdy enough but I feel the space between us and it's fine. And you -- fuck, it's strange and weird to have even six inches, and you want me right there like I want to be. But you don't talk to me except when you drink and I feel alone and unwanted and YOU. What the hell do I do for wanting to be yours, and you don't even want anybody, just to be and maybe I'll be too and maybe. I don't know. I am all confused, all sorts of fucked-up. But despite all the hell I still want it and this is FUCKED-UP. Why can't you just be a little different, or why couldn't he be you? Why is it sour and harsh and acidic and cotton balls and razor blades? Why can't I just have you?

But still I want you.

Two of Them

Just because there are two - nice guys, I guess, does that mean there's really a choice? I don't know that it's comparable, though maybe it'd be easier if it were. There's one that I want, and that's lust and self-esteem but it's us both being fucked up individuals and no worries. Nothing to lose, it almost seems like. A bad decision and it's my fault if I get hurt again, but I know it's a bad decision, he's a bad idea and I want it anyway. And I think I'd wonder "what if..." 'cos when we're together it's - yes. And maybe that's the sex. Maybe that's the ego that I'm insecure and then I get what I want. But the insecure sucks. Is he ever going to be the guy who makes me feel confident? The other one is just there. I dunno if he wants to be there, but he is, and that means something. He's funny and nerdy and sweet - and maybe ridiculous. Maybe both of them are too young for me, at heart, at action, and maybe S is too down, too messed up inside and focused on himself, and it's like there's no room for me. But it feels. But it feels like he wants it, like the rough edges of us could fit together and slice each other up, and I'm selfish and I want. This is so fucked up and it seems so right - even if it's off the beaten path and over a cliff from where I thought I was supposed to be going. Maybe I'll fall in the water and almost drown and end up with somebody's suitcase caught on my ankle, but maybe I'll move along with the current and be just fine.

Bad Ideas

Why do I keep making bad decisions when it comes to this guy? What is it I (we?) feel that everyone around scoffs at? If I made the same mistake twice I'll have no-one to blame but myself. This time it would be all on me, and I've got options. NICE guys. Why the hell do I jump when he calls? Why, when he's an asshole, hollow, a fixer-upper, a bad idea? What is it that happens when we're next to each other, wrapped in each other, when he says "Don't be afraid of me" and I fold into him? What is that, and why?

I feel it. Maybe he does too. Bad ideas, but I'm young and foolish and have plenty of time.