Move In

My wrist says OUTLAW POWER. Last night I drank two gin and tonics after a margarita and danced on a pole. I know he loves me. I never have to worry about that, and yet...a move like this, so quickly, after only three months -- WHAT IF I feel like I'm making myself so vulnerable, opening myself up to pain and I've had that. I'm no a real orphan, starving or anything like that, but I've had a life.

Do I trust this man not to hurt me? It says so much, how he treats his exes...he's sweet and wonderful and NICE, and everyone knows it. What if he leaves me? It's been eight months since Ethan and twenty-five since my dad, and this is a choice for me to make. He's in this. He makes bad jokes, but he loves me, crazy and all. I have to decide if I trust him enough to make this situation, this absurd set of circumstances, official. I know I love him because it would hurt so badly if he were gone. Although, is that how one defines love? He makes me happy, and I don't get tired of him. I can't imagine I ever would, but I fear that he will me. It's absurd. I want this. Through all three months I've screamed my fear and rushed headlong and sometimes tripped on my own laces and he's always caught me. He's there. He loves me. I don't have anything to fear. Just fall. He'll catch me.

Three Days

Friday he learned I take every challenge offered. The office was full and quiet, so I had him come by and spent perhaps a half-hour sitting on his lap and talking in my boss's office. Just as things were winding down he made an offhand comment about sex in an office, and I took that as an invitation to close the door and unzip my dress.

The look on his face was beautiful, and he hurried to zip me up again. So I spent the next ten minutes or so teasing him, and then the whole way to the car murmuring my intentions, once we were home. The car ride was spent grazing my teeth along his finger pads and sucking on his earlobe. Even in bed I refused to strip; rather, I took the opportunity to pin him to the bed naked and kiss every inch of him with an eye for erogenous zones.

Needless to say the sex was mindblowing, and I was rather pleased his roommate had gone out of town, because I wouldn't have liked to keep those screams to myself.

Saturday I met his sister and friends, and made an impression such that she sent to his phone shortly afterward, "Judging complete. We'll be very angry if you screw things up with her." He went out with friends to the bars, and woke me up when he got in because he wanted to talk to me before he went to sleep. There was much more, but some trading of "I love you"s happened here.

Sunday we listened to music, after a short attempt at studying. The culmination was in this song, which he says is his song for me.

I liiiiiiike him.

Pretty sure I saw Hardy in public yesterday when I was walking to meet Hot Rod. I looked good, dressed to the nines and wearing a fedora, and I was grinning like an idiot because, well, I was going to meet Hot Rod. I'd left my purse in his car, and he'd stopped by especially to bring it to me, and nothing makes me grin quite so much as a sexy man on a sunny day. Anyway, it just made me think, I was looking for a human connection back when Hardy happened, and I realize now -- maybe because I'm arse over teakettle for Hot Rod -- that I was never going to have the sort of connection I was looking for with him.

Last night the fella and I snuggled half-naked on his living room couch and watched Silkwood and drank Sprite and ate kettle corn and kissed and then I bolted to the bedroom in my underwear when the roommate came home, and then passed out on his bed. Dunno how that happened, but a guy who'll kiss me lightly then curl into bed with me because he doesn't want to wake me up, and with whom I'll laugh and joke until we're both late and still don't want to get out of bed and he'll give me three goodbye kisses when he drops me off at class, and we're supposed to grab lunch today just because...jeez, well, he's some kind of guy.

Flan

So things are going really, really well. It's assumed at this point that we'll spend the night together, though not that we'll have sex -- which is kinda lovely, if you think about it for any time at all. I've got a pretty regular sleep schedule because he does and I get morning kisses and -- yeah, it's magic. Last night, though, we were talking about things we liked, and there were all sorts of other foods - bagel sandwiches and ham sandwiches and salt and vinegar chips -- and the we were talking desserts we loved, like bear claws, and he said, "You're like flan. Sweet, and I love you, and a soft skin -- yeah, flan has skin..." and I was way too caught up on that middle bit, which apparently he said without thinking, but now "Flan" is this joke, somewhere between a tease about a misspeak and "I love you, too." I guess we'll see where it goes. I really don't think I'm ready to say those words, not at this point, but, shit, just read this exchange:

Me: Dresses?

Hot Rod: :D

Me: Pizza?

Hot Rod: :D

Me: Dancing barefoot in the dark with no-one else around except maybe me. And probably kissing.

Hot Rod: :D !

Me: Thin paintbrush doodling on skin with washable paint then kissing in the shower and watching color run everywhere.

Hot Rod: <3

Me: Kissing in the elevator in the middle of the day - then looping the moment so we never have to say goodbye.

Hot Rod: :)

Me: Pitching a tent by the lakeside and laughing at the rocks in our backs and curling up naked to keep warm.

Hot Rod: I miss you :(

Lassen

He makes me want to wash dishes, to shave my legs and make my bed and cook jasmine rice and ginger chicken because the idea made him smile.
He makes me want to wrap my arms around him, curled under the covers naked in his bed.
I like the way he rests a hand against my back when we're walking through a store or along the street together. I like how he'll wrap his fingers in mine a little unevenly and just leaves it that way because it's not the placement of fingers that's right, but just that we're  wrapped up together.

He makes it really hard to take things slow, but I'm listening to this song on repeat, so we'll see, right?

I don't want to (This is the sound of falling)

I don't want to fall in love. It's painful, and messy, and just leaves you with scars and alcoholic tendencies. But I do want:

to dance in the dark
to kiss him up against walls until his fingers crawl under my shirt, slip against my back and pull me in tighter
until we fit together so well I want to hold onto the moment to infinity
to watch Star Trek with him and make jokes about Data and
drink tea that's too hot
and talk about the amazing chai at the bagel shop
and hold hands just because
touch anytime we're close
and smile because he's there, or he's not there
but I think
(he tells me)
he's thinking of me.

Yeah, I don't much like sleeping alone. Just sayin'.

Songs

In a conversation with Pink the other day we discussed relationship songs, and it made me think of the ones that make me think of men:

Arch

Turkic

Finn

Hot Rod

Yeah, feel free to judge. It's alright. I'm sick, so I'll blame this on Nyquil if it comes down to it.

Peace

I'm trying (and we'll see if I succeed) to train him to do what he wants -- with the hope that what he wants is me. But kicking him in the butt to run out the door when he's late for work and still has to head home and change...

Neither of us are getting much sleep, me maybe less so, at least last night. Woke up at seven, made breakfast and then had some sex -- SO EXHAUSTED now sitting in class. It's funny, 'cos it's new and tenuous, but it's like we've fallen into a routine of sorts, and he really seems to like sleeping with me (even when it's just sleep!). And we've woken up together the last three nights in a row, twice at his and once at mine, and the sex isn't absurdly amazing or exactly what I want or all the time, but it's good, and kissing him good morning is so much better.

And this song:

Thinking of him

What's happening here? Besides that I'm wired on espresso? ESpresso. Besides that I like rolling over and kissing him? Or joking that I've seduced him and hearing him agree? That he says I'll be his inspiration to stop stretching his schedule...I like him.

What I Want Him to Understand

You say you're going out for a few drinks with the guys, and I know that means you'll probably drink a bit too much and stay out too late and crash at 1am. I'm okay with that. I'm not okay with you not knowing that's what it means, and suggesting that you'll call me up in a couple hours and we'll get together.

I'm okay with you having plans, and doing other things, and maybe we can do this some other time. I'm not okay with you double-booking, and not telling me you can't make it.

I'm okay with you coming over to mine with booze on your breath and exhausted and just wanting to crash out in bed with your arm around me. I'm not okay with waiting for a call you said you'd make that I'm fairly certain won't happen, or the knock on the door that's really unlikely since you'll feel bad for the late hour and just head to your own place, or you telling me you'll try to squeeze me and then not getting back to me.

I think I'm handling this thing pretty well, maybe because I'm avoiding getting too heavily invested, but I can't handle getting strung along. Get back to me, yeah?

Reasons

I write when I'm confused; I've been writing less because he makes me happy. "Smart, sexy, stable," that's what he called me. Just wanted me to stay in bed, with him. Thinks we should make this a daily thing, though he's not sure he can give me every night. I just think it's sweet that he'd offer, indicate that he'd want that. Olive, that fucking bitchcat. He's beautiful just out of the shower and asleep in the morning and UTTERLY MAGNIFICENT, even if he's terrible at goodbye kisses.

This guy

I don't know what the hell to do about him. Obviously not pursue, not just yet; he's got a lot of shit going on, and I don't want to muck with that. But he's also sweet as candy and hasn't run off screaming yet. I'm trying to toe the line between platonic friend and unabashed flirt, and sometimes I slide a little too far one way or another, but overall I think it's going alright.

To update: Friday night I asked him to come over to see a new jacket I'd bought (sexy leather cropped, and this was me pushing), and he then invited me watch movies with him and his friend (Professor; him making a move). We saw Earth Girls Are Easy and The Faculty, and ended up holding hands on the couch (me  pushing, insisting he sit beside me), and kept holding hands until I let go (him making a move). Afterward he drove me home and said we should do it again sometime soon (him making a move). I agreed, and said I'd had a great time.
Saturday I asked if he'd be alright taking part in a sort-of triple-date game night with Pink, Soprana, and their men (pushing). He said that was alright, but he didn't want it to be awkward. I then spend the day angsting about whether I was making things awkward for him. Eventually we decided it wasn't awkward, but I do owe him a coffee. But as to his shit, I learned (while out of town, at a concert with Pink), that his father was in the hospital with an infection. Later Saturday after I got home he clarified that his dad was stable, and the antibiotics are working, but that the doctors are worried about his heart.

So today's Sunday and they're running tests, and Hot Rod is texting me while he sits in a hospital and there's been a bit of flirting but more than that I think I'm doing an alright job of being the sympathetic friend, if the friend with dad-died-in-a-hospital baggage. I'm hanging out with Pink at one of the computer laps on campus, and she's working on homework with her lab group while I text Hot Rod, trying to keep his spirits up, and write this gibberish.

Thoughts

What should I do about Hot Rod? Obviously I'm not pursuing him in the same way as previously, but I'm trying to think of people I've bought dinner for, and it's mostly men I'm interested in/dating. Hmmmn. I haven't stepped over the line yet, except maybe with my loudmouth conversating and wearing a strapless dress to dinner. But! There's been no kissing, no touching except when he held the bike up for me while I tried to get started, and yeah that meant his hand on my ass. Certainly not something I'd have felt quite the same about Roommate doing.

Also, I certainly don't want to make Roommate uncomfortable, as I worry we did last night when I stole Hot Rod's wallet to keep him from paying for dinner. Jesus Christ, I don't understand men, though I ought to have guessed, from his impulse to open the door for me.

Post

So I really quite like this guy. But the fact that we've had sex now makes it easier just to view him in a platonic light. That probably doesn't make any fucking sense, but the sexual tension would've driven us both crazy eventually, and maybe only temporarily, but we've gotten that bit out of our systems.

Doesn't mean I wouldn't kiss him crazy if I got the opportunity, or that we couldn't have mindblowing sex down the road, but for now sharing an interest -- or a few dozen -- do a pretty good job of filling the potentially-awkward silence.

Eh, but I've already decided if this didn't work out I'd stick to being single for a while. Seems a good choice. I'm free to flirt without any serious strings, and get a few dozen guys to buy me drinks on my birthday.

Plans and Angst

I feel like I'm making a mistake, but he's not running, or pushing me away. I asked if he could offer what I wanted, and he said as much as he wanted, he didn't think he could. I ought to back off, ought to leave him be, I know that. He said I oughtn't kiss him -- unless it were somehow an accident. Agh. He doesn't want to take any sort of responsibility for the way he makes me feel, for drinking apple juice and dancing downtown at 3am or pulling me in to sleep on his shoulder. He seems to want this, but no sort of responsibility. But the want...is that enough? I say I'm going to seduce him, but does that mean he'll realize he quite likes wrapping his arm around my waist, or that he'll realize he quite likes having someone to wrap his arm around, and it doesn't really matter that it's me?

I want to kiss him, to at some point buck my hips and pull off his shirt and bit his bottom lip while my whole mouth shivers. I want to drive him crazy, and I wonder if there's any chance he'll fall for me, or if I'm kidding myself. I think an organized system of seduction and silence. I want to tempt him, to intrigue him, to turn him on and make him mad (crazy).

We could die tomorrow. There is value in joy, and there is a chance that there will never be joy again. I can't regret kissing a beautiful man.

No matter how life turns out, I refuse to have regrets. I will kiss anyone I want.

To Hot Rod

Don't you get that it's not the ex girlfriend you're still hung up on, or the fact that you don't know what to do about this you and me thing that's kindof become a thing, at least for me? It's not even that you waited to tell me, though maybe that's part of it. It's, if  you can do your thing without mentioning the ex you're still hung up on for this long (admittedly a week, but still!), what else do I have to look forward to? I go into every situation figuring I can trust my first impressions, and then you go and fuck with my head. How am I supposed to trust that you're being straightforward from this point on? What the hell am I supposed to do about this?

To Baker

[Baker is a guy in KC who I've been chatting with on Tumblr.]

• me: Hi. I like you. Lunch sometime?
• him: Yeah, uh. Sounds good.
• ---
• me: So this is going really well, wow. You seem really great. So what's wrong with you?
• him: I'm a serial killer.
• me: Oh, really? That's exciting.
• him: Yeah, definitely. Great fun. Maybe one day I'll kidnap you and lock you in my basement.
• me: Oh, don't tease. You don't even have a basement, and your closet door's much too flimsy to hold me.
• ---
• him: So I'm really excited to see you again. How's tomorrow or the day after sound?
• me: Geez. All I want to do is kiss you. You're amazing. There's got to be something wrong with you.
• him: No, not really. Nothing big.
• ---
• me: You're not perfect, but you're pretty damn close. We should do this again sometime.
• him: I'm still hung up on my ex and I had a dream about her the other day and I don't know that I can do this thing with you even though you're great and it's a lot of fun. Maybe I want to be around you but she just left and I was really depressed and then you came along and I should have said something but I really like you so if I decide I can't do this will you still be around?
• ---
• me: ...
• me: ...
• me: ...
• me: ...
• me: ...
• me: ...
• me: SERIOUSLY?!

#I liked you better when you were a serial killer

^ This is what I posted, with the 'him' being Hot Rod, and Baker asked if that was what actually happened. I responded:

Oh jeez. Yeah, that's really what happened. I'm waiting to hear back I guess about whether he's ready for a relationship? Or something? I don't know. (It's been a super long day and I'm way too tired to string words together, so sorry if this makes no sense. Also sorry for the emotion dump. Again, sleep or lack thereof.) I'm getting kinda tired of being unable to wrap my brain around two people liking each other, being single and reasonably attractive and living fairly stable lives and yet NOT PURSUING IT. It's absolutely contrary to the way my brain works, and if one more fucking man tells me I'm amazing and fun and beautiful but he's just not sure right now I swear I'm going to throw hammers. Nothing against you, of course, 'cos you're brilliant and offered me eclairs. I'm just a bit bitter at the moment. And hell, maybe he'll call me up in three days or a week and say, "I'm sorry I'm such a chickenshit. I really like being around you. Can we do more of that?" but the fact that he even hesitated, that he's questioning whether I'm worth pursuing -- shit, it's enough to give a girl a complex.

Butterflies

I have two speeds: I love you, and I hate you. He likes me, and yet is hung up on his ex -- Amanda -- which apparently screams SLOW DOWN. And I'm a way-too-fast kind of girl, so. What do I do about this? It's got to be an hour or a dat at a time - not calling him tonight because I'm going shooting with The Couple and my phone's dead, so that'll help for a while, anyway. Tomorrow's Wednesday, but I won't call him then, either. Maybe we'll go biking with people, but it's up to him to clarify when/where/if. I just...I don't want to push, which I absolutely did last night when I sortof insisted he stay the night -- although he did say he'd slept well -- maybe it's going to be okay. Obviously I want to sleep with him, but more than that I want to kiss him until he feels something like the butterflies I get when he kisses me. Something like hunger pains.

Fantasy Date

Rode sixteen miles in the last three days (another at least two tonight) and maybe I've got a date. Probably it's tomorrow. He said he'd try for tonight, but somehow I doubt it'll happen, given the crazy exertion he's going to be up to. I know whenever it is I'm not going to be sleeping with him. Which, and I've said it before, is weird. This is a lot more like actual dating, and I'm not sure what to do about that. I hope I'm not scaring him off.

On the phone, I say, "We could eat dinner at my place, walk around the lake if you're up to it." I worry it'll lead to moaning in the bed, but I give him my address and wash dishes while I wait. I thaw pork chops and chop potatoes in an attempt to distract my buzzing mind. It doesn't work, and as I separate soft white cubes I think of the words, the address -- did I tell him up-and-to-the-left, and will he remember? Does he want to kiss me? How long should I wait to kiss him? Outside, of course, because kissing him so close toa bed would be dangerous. And of course I don't have a loveseat, so we'd have to sit on the bed or the floor, and -- Jeez. Obviously I've only got one thing on my mind.

Laundry Day

Am I really into this guy? He makes me nervous, sure, but he doesn't inspire Wannajumpimitis. He's admitted that he's awful at quote-talking-to-girls-endquote. I guess in the back of my mind I wonder if he won't be terrible in bed, or whatever this thing that I can't name or place, will fade as I get to know him better. I could live without him, I guess, although the excitement of the next date has held me in its thrall so far. Am I just using him? It's been a week and I'm worried about fucking things up with him. But I guess I've had such a messy summer that I'm living like I've got nothing to lose -- and I guess we'll see what comes of that. Hot Rod is magnificent, but he's a stranger. I really need to spend some time getting to know him -- and maybe that's the difference between Hot Rod and the other guys I've slept with (although he's not really a member of that group yet): I knew all of them (except Turkic, but we'd been talking daily for a week prior). So maybe my hesitance is natural, and familiarity-based.

Sure we've talked on the phone for now twelve hours, plus eight in each others' presence, but that's admittedly not much. I'd like to kiss him some more, to trace his chest hair and find out his least-favorite body party, so that I can compliment it to death. I want to get him drunk and kiss him everywhere except the mouth. I'd like to play the naughty schoolgirl to his beleaguered teacher. To teach him to dance. I'd like, at some point further down the road, to admit the ten people I've kissed, and the stories behind them.  To talk about the time I maybe cheated on a guy, and my worst break-ups. And how it all happened the summer before I asked him out. I'd like to get his history, collapse in a sweaty mass beside him, and race him to the shower. I want, and I don't know why, but but I really hope he wants too.

Jeez. Is it just that he's a guy, or that he's Hot Rod? Is it more than his goofily white grin and glasses? I feel like  I'm not allowed to talk about sex, that I'll chase him off somehow or make it all about sex even before  we've gotten there -- God I hope I don't fuck this one up, too.

Post-First-Date

I don't know why I find him so adorable. I find him attractive, sexy intelligent, passionate..because he is those things. He's certainly adorable as well, but that seems like something that has much more to do with me. He's not great at making plans and sticking to them, but he's very good  at indicating his interest, if he's kissed thoroughly beforehand. And, y'know, I think I can make that happen.

I wonder how I should feel about his suggestion that I sleep with him after the first date, and knowing each other less than a week. I mean, that's something I've done, obviously, but he has no way of knowing that! I guess I'm trying not to judge without more information. It does seem a little odd for a guy who didn't even kiss me until I made a move, though.

Oh Em Jesus H Christ

He's called Hot Rod, and I really like him. Turned-down-sex like him. He's made it clear he's really into me, but I don't want to rush and fuck this up. I also don't know that I want to rush at all. He's so bloody sweet, and a great cook (made chicken on the grill tonight), and a conversationalist with a good taste in music. I met his roommate tonight, as well, which was another reason for turning down sex, and he's super nerdy and hilarious and maybe a little bit into me, but that's probably just serious arrogance talking. I really don't want to get between the two, since they're best friends in addition to roommates. And we'd only just kissed when he asked me to stay the night, so that's another thing. Those three all together, and it was definitely the right choice. Oh, I do hope he calls. I've still got a smile and his taste on my lips.

Now, I've got a test in the AM and need to crash. Jeeeeez.

Hot Rod

There's a line here, "Friends say I'm crazy 'cuz easily I fall in love," and that's been my tagline for the summer. Hot Rod - IT guy, and the sweetest thing since honey, has crawled under my skin and left me listening to my "She Amazes Him" playlist. He called me "cutie pie," and "pretty" and "cute." More specifically, he said I have a pretty face, and a great laugh -- and he's smart, and funny, and geez.

On the five points:

1. Height (6') - Don't know for sure, but I'd guess so.
2. Dark Hair/Glasses - Yes indeed.
3. Body Type - Solidly athletic, way moreso than me. Good influence, I'd say.
4. Intelligent - He got through two years of Electrical, and wants to go into law/political journalism. Yup, he's got it.
5. Passionate - See above. :)
6. [Into Me?] - If the eight hour conversation night before last was any sort of indication, and the compliments he dropped just to make me squirm, and the fact he listed me among things he liked, I'd say probably. Oh geez, I hope so.

 I can type a transcript of an eight-hour phone call, but we talked sports (I said I played racquetball, so that's something I need to get on. He plays tennis, racquetball, and bikes.), film and music preferences (He's seen the Notebook and adores bad movies.), tv (He's an enormous Trekkie, likes Jericho and could watch more Who.), normal people (He pretends to be one, should flaunt his weird flag more often, but it makes him uncomfortable.), majors and future plans, drinking, friends, the battle of the sexes...I don't even know. Family, high school. Eight hours' worth of topics, and it just kept going. Sleep, or lack thereof. Him hunting down my address and stealing me. His roommate and exes.

To get up-to-date, I grabbed him coffee yesterday afternoon and we ended up sitting together drinking coffee for all of his lunch break (He didn't eat??), talking about I-don't-know-what, genocide and IT and biking, and we were maybe going to do something, but I think he went to sleep. Anyway, no call last night, then just as I was going to bed I decided to dress up and couldn't resist a call over - no answer, but like I said he was probably sleeping. Anyway, that was at about 23:09, and I worry what that'll look like to him. Hopefully not desperation? Ball's in his court and I'm wearing an overly formal dress today, so I guess we'll see (!!!).

Finn

You know, until I decided to end it, that I hadn't planned this. You know from things I'd said -- things I remember saying, and meant at the time -- that I thought it would last -- not forever, but indefinitely. And I wanted that to be true and it was, for a bit. But you also should know -- because I told you -- what I need, in order to justify to myself -- yes my friends, but mostly myself, most importantly myself -- being with you, and that thing is -- what do you call it? Affection? Caring? Love? I don't want forever, or promises of such, but I need "I want you with me tomorrow," and you've never given that. You probably can't, because of all your past baggage, and sure that's bullshit and you ought to get over it, but I also can't fix you if you don't want fixing, and I can't stick around if you don't want me. And the most you've ever been able to admit is that you like what you get when I'm around, and that's not wanting me.

Sorry, boy. I am so terribly sorry that this couldn't be more, for both of our sakes. Thank you for the time and the dancing and the education.

Not Breaking Up

Because we were never dating, of course.

But this blows.

(For information's sake, this is Finn. And I called him and woke him up and feel like an ass, and "broke up" over the phone. By clarifying that I could do this and it makes me smile and I like it but I don't feel like he knows who I am or cares. And he said that he does care about me as a person, but that he doesn't know what else he could do differently to show that. And I outright asked him to argue with me, to try to convince me...and all he'd say is that he didn't know what he could do. So.)

Loneliness

I need somebody to be there, and probably more regularly than any guy wants to be. And he's made it perfectly clear he doesn't want to be there. I don't want to be alone, and I have no good reason why. And he's good at being there, even when he doesn't mean to be -- I guess especially when he doesn't mean to be. Because he wouldn't, if it were intentional. He's just a guy, and he doesn't want to be the guy, and articles are important, especially when I'm so tired that everything seems vitally important. Based on the quantity of chocolate I've imbibed lately I'm PMSing, if I ever had a period. This is all hormones, probably. But still.

End of Things, but Smile!

In other news, I'm listening to this on repeat.

I've had a couple of shit days in a row, and am not sleeping well, and whatever the hell, but he's going out like a champ. I've got a couple nickles I didn't have last week, and bought a nerdy T-shirt, and maybe I'll pick up a pair of earrings today. And if all goes according to plan I'll be registered for that poetry course by this afternoon.

Oh, and Wednesdays are great because a couple shows I like (really, the only ones I've been watching lately) come on. And I've got leftovers from both Monday's and yesterday's lunch, so I shouldn't starve for a bit yet.

And it seems I may be writing a comic with/for Arch, so that sounds lovely. Now I just need to write something. :)

Fuck Men

So this thing with Finn is -- yeah, whatever the fuck.

It's over but we're still sleeping together, and angry sex is pretty alright, and sex when he's realised how fucking lucky he is is pretty alright. That's Sunday and last night, respectively. The sex continues to be good, though I'm apparently awful at not sleeping over after he's fucked me silly and I really just don't want to move, even if my bed is more comfortable and I need to be up at seven the next morning.

Anyway, so in the wreckage of that there comes a new push at online dating, which has revealed three prospects: Blue, who's an hour away and with whom I have a bowling/dinner date next Saturday; Laws, who isn't the best and capitalization and punctuation, but wants to cuddle with me; and Baker, who lives five hours away but seems super sweet and has a hilarious tumblr account.

I need to buff up my rejection shield and work on turning guys down in person.

Montage

Jeez, it's been a couple of days. Well, I had sex with Hardy and don't know whether to call that four or five, but who really cares? Turkic, I guess (ha!), but somehow I get the feeling he won't be seen around much. Finn, maybe, but I don't know that it's really his business. However.

Well, backing up. Friday my new corset (comic themed!) came in. I'd been chatting with Hardy all day and it came down to "if you're more direct, sure you can see it" which became me driving out to his place for movies. And, as it turns out, sex. Which -- I took along condoms, so it was a possibility, but I absolutely intended to leave that night. Yeah. So he made it clear he's not really looking for a relationship, and (I don't know how my brain works, but fuck this connection) to me that means there's nothing to ruin by having sex too early. Or something.

Anyway, I'd gotten advice from Pink that I need to stop spending time with Finn, and definitely not have sex with anyone until I have an actual relationship. Yeah, right. I spent that night at Hardy's house (mostly wanted to find out if the awkward lack of communication would go away with pillow talk, partly didn't feel like driving home) then left in the morning with a bit of groping and no kissing whatsoever. Huh.

Got home after donating plasma, in a bit of a mood. Not regretting the sex, 'cos whatever, but pissed off that it seemed like no man wants to get to know me or spend time with me, aside from what's required to bed me. Drank a bit, ordered sushi, and watched Law & Order. I have strange coping habits.

Got to talking to Finn, who it turns out was trying to fix Betsy (his truck), who's broken down. He was also in a bit of a mood, and probably would have slipped to sleep, except I really was sick of being alone in my state and so I told him I wanted company. He said I could come over.

And then. Me in a corset (same corset, different everything else), curled up to Finn watching Creep Show and yelling at the cat, just hearing about his day and scratching his back, and I got out the questions I wanted to ask -- most importantly how he felt about me getting asked out by other men, since that seems to be happening a lot lately, and he went into the sort of detail about a hypothetical situation that made me wonder if he'd read these posts or saw Hardy &amp; I at the movies (very eerie, actually), but his answer was that I don't owe him any loyalty, could go pursue romantic entanglements to my heart's content, but that he'd still be here.

Jeez. Trying not to read into that, but it's hard, given how he makes me laugh.

And I have to backtrack a little to explain this next bit. In a fully-clothed moment I'd asked Hardy what he wanted, and he'd said "to fuck your brains out." Which he later admitted hadn't happened, so we'd have to try again sometime. Then with Finn inside me I asked what he wanted (hoping he'd come out and admit that it's me) and he said he had what he wanted (my lips on his dick, tits in his face, hands on my ass, and me moaning -- not all at once, obvs). Then he asked what I wanted, and out of curiosity, I said I wanted him to fuck my brains out.

Does that man ever take suggestions. Wow. In positions I probably wouldn't put on my Top 5 list he made my breath catch and my mind go fuzzy. In the end I screamed. For a bottom, he's such an impressive top it's not funny. It doesn't hurt that he sang "Car Wash" in the shower afterward, and just talks to me about whatever the hell.

And then. He got hungry and made a point to ask if he ought to cook or if he could impress me with frozen pizza and homemade cookies. So I drove to the store, which was probably the most entertaining Wal-Mart run I've ever been on, and maybe I was a little more handsy in public than I ought to have been, but he didn't say anything. We picked up frozen pizza and breadsticks and steam-in-a-bag veggies and went back to his place to make dinner. Which I didn't help much with, like a derp.

And we sat at the little table-for-two in his kitchen and he opened a bottle of wine and before that while the food was cooking we'd danced around the living room and he'd spun me and. Yes, he makes lovely cookies. He stuffed me full of food and made me laugh and danced with me, and he made the point more than once that he'd be doing the same thing if I hadn't been there, except he wouldn't have had use of my car, but.

Even though he finally kicked me out at 10:30 (after six hours of me camped out at his place) he moaned into my mouth at the end and then sent me a text about getting the mail. It's been a long time coming, but I think I'm falling for him. And I don't know what to do about that at all.

(I'd sent Hardy a message earlier in the day to the effect of "That was odd. What do you think?" and when I got home I saw he'd replied, basically, "I agree. Not sure what I want." I sent back "Take your time." Obviously I need to focus on Finn right now, no matter what Pink says.)

Movies and Mayhem and IHOP, oh my!

So last night I went to see The Dark Night Rises (amazing!) and a few things happened. First, I went to see the movie because Finn was sleeping, and hasn't really talked to me in a few days, aside from the odd text. I finally broke down and asked Cross what he was up to, and turns out it was the three movie marathon at the theater. I decided I might as well join him, maybe get laid at the end of it.

I headed over to the theater at quarter to ten to buy my ticket, then probably crash at home for a bit and then go back. Except when I had my ticket I realised there wasn't much for me to do at home, except mope to Arch like I'd been doing for a while. So I call Pink and mope to her and she pretty much told me to move on, forget Finn because he's not worth me anyhow. Yeah, that part's pretty much true. I decide I'll hang out in the nerd line waiting for the doors to open rather than go home, and run into a couple of English majors! One's very funny, charismatic, married with two adorable kids, and the other doesn't go anywhere without a baseball hat, and I don't know much about. Anyway, we get to chatting (and by the way I'm wearing a cami and a leather skirt and heels) to pass the time, and it rains on us a bit and Hardy (baseball hat) offers to trade me places so I don't get too soaked, then we end up running over to the gas station to buy drinks right before the doors open (and I think I lost my credit card there, but I'll find out later today), and on the way back as I'm drinking through a straw and he makes a blowjob joke and I just go with it.

All before sitting next to each other in a movie for two hours. The movie was *amazing*. Hardy explained characters I didn't remember or wasn't familiar with, and laughed at my jokes, and it all went really well. We ended up with our arms touching on the armrest, but not too overtly. Just there. Then afterward he asked if anyone wanted to go to IHOP and although I boycott breakfast food places on principle I kindof wanted to. And it ended up being just us, and he drove, and at the end of the meal he took the check without making a deal out of it, and I couldn't find my card so I kindof made a deal out of it, but I think it went fairly well. We got along fine, and he's nice and a poet (I read a few of his pieces and offered honest criticism, but they were actually decent, so). And between the midnight showing and IHOP afterward (wherein he called me "a cheap date," soo...) I didn't get home until after four. We traded numbers and I'd said I'd show him some poetry so when I got home I opened the computer to go ahead and send that and he sent me a message on FB. So we ended up chatting, and it went a little sideways (in a good way, I think!). I sent him a little more information than I intended, but I guess you can judge for yourself. I'm the indented ones.

o   and now I can't sleep 

o   haha

§  Ha!

§  And I'm the one who had coffee.

o   ha I had two dr peppers

o   not a whole lot better

§  I thought you weren't planning to sleep, anyway?

o   haha idk I love me some sleep that's for sure, but seems a bit pointless now.

§  I'd get max two and a half hours. Might still try, but I dunno.

o   blehh! haha

o   shoulda just spent the night causing trouble around stillwater ha

§  Oh really? What's that look like?

o   huh?

o   what does what look like? haha

§  Causing trouble around Stillwater.

o   haha idk couldn't tell ya

§  Well, to keep you occupied for the next five minutes or so.

§  poems.docx

o   those were pretty good

o   you have a lot of potential

o   but facebook chat is hardly the place for me to give a more indepth critique then that

o   plus I am not in the most aware of mind states at the moment

o   but it was not bad by any means 

§  Yeah, obvs. Just wanted to get it sent before I forgot.

o   ha well thanks for sharing

§  Rereading poems reminds me how many of them were never intended to be read by anyone but myself.

o   hahaha well you should keep working and showing them

§  Working - of course. Showing - not so sure. I had a heck of a time finding four that weren't obviously personal; I'm not a super private person, but I think I'd be uncomfortable sharing many of the others. 

o   haha that just makes me curious! 

§  It's nothing my friends don't know - awful ends of relationships, or beginnings of relationships, or my dad dying, but in explicit, no-holds-barred words that I use in my own head but would never use to describe the same situations to another person.

o   I see I see and undstand, no one gets to see the inside of my notebooks... no one.

§  Because I believe in rewarding curiosity, though, and it's not about anything recent or painful, and I'm absolutely shameless sometimes:

§  [Poem very explicitly about sex.]

§  Annd I'm embarrassed now.

o   haha cause you told me about losing your virginity?

§  Ha! No, not at all.

§  I guess it's not clear; if I'd been a virgin I wouldn't have made the choices that I did in that particular situation.

o   aww I see I see haha

§  Yeah, sorry. That wasn't really fair of me, to toss at you.

o   haha what do you mean?

§  It's different in a workshop class where you're required to read everything for a grade; on your own time it's not really fair to go into certain themes without a disclaimer.

o   bahahahaha

o   well no worries it didn't bother me or anything

§  I have no idea what you do or don't want to know, and while it's poetry it's a lot like reading aloud from my diary, and what if that makes you uncomfortable?

o   I am a pretty easy going guy and am pretty hard to make feel uncomfortable

§  Also, I make bad decisions when tired.

§  Oh *really*?

§  I shouldn't take that as a challenge.

o   haha try if you want, but good luck

o   please do!

o   all you will do is make me laugh (some with and some at you )

o   and I will get lots of info about you to hold over your head! ;P

o   :P*

§  And since I'm a pretty hard person to offend (actually not true; suggest all Germans are Nazis and it'll get under my skin like nothing else) or leverage, I'll probably just succeed at making you laugh.

§  And no wink? Why no wink?

o   well ok ;P

o   ha

o   so are you gonna accept my challenge or not?

o   haha

§  Of trying to make you uncomfortable?

§  Well, you're a twenty-something guy, so I bet nothing related to sex will work, though you did seem to start a bit at virginity.

§  I could go into detail about how it felt to watch my father be alive but unaware in the last days before a phone call told me he was gone, and what knowing I was nowhere nearby felt like, but that's a bit depressing, innit?

§  By the way, yes it still bothers me. No it's not something that's going to change, or something that affects my day-to-day life. I only really think about it in the wee hours or when I've recently reread poetry I wrote about those moments.

§  So if I'm *not* trying to bring the conversation down (which I'm really not; I'm a generally cheerful person), it's got to be something so personal, so outrageous, that your only response would be to pretend or hope that you hadn't heard it.

§  Something wildly inappropriate, perhaps.

o   ha what do ya got for me then?

§  Since you asked, it was a '95 Toyota Tercel. What sort of car did you lose your virginity in?

o   haha and how did you know I lost my virginity in a car?

§  Lucky guess, based on statistics and the general cleanliness/care you take with your current vehicle.

o   hahaha well thanks

o   it was like an 02 buick regal

o   but now you have opened up a can of worms!

o   how old were you?

§  Ha! Nope, you first.

o   ha I was 15

§  Geez. No offense, but that must have been awful. 17. Still kindof awful.

§  Google images says you actually had some room to work with, though.

o   hahahaha yes it was pretty awful

§  Have you ever *seen* a Toyota Tercel?

o   ehh it was a pretty tight fit

o   ok so I had more room than you

o   but she literally just laid there

§  Oh no!

o   so it was a pretty awful experience

o   oh not?

§  'just laid there'

§  That's awful!

§  *But* I think I have it beat.

o   ha I read your exclamtion point as a t hence my confusion

o   but yes it was bad haha

§  And may actually succeed with discomfort.

§  Girl laying there? Awful. Guy subverting every stereotyping and taking for frickin' *ever*? Awful. Guy finally giving up and finishing with a sock? MORE awful.

o   hahaha

o   so now that you are older and wiser do you consider yourself "good" at sex?

§  Ha! I would hope so. That guy certainly got better.

§  Although, just for clarification. 15, so no license yet, right?

§  Please tell me it wasn't your parent's car.

o   ha my older brothers

o   Oh no! Poor guy.

o   haha na he was cool about it

§  He knew?!

o   he knew what was happening when he let me take it

o   hahaha yeah

§  Okay, so your older brother is either super cool or realised the back seat would be cramped and uncomfortable and is secretly a super dick.

o   ha na he is super cool

o   but it was somewhat cramped, not bad, but not near the space I have in my jeep haha

§  Jeez. I can't imagine any of my family being that cool. Though, on the lines of 'uncomfortable,' my father did offer to "leave the house or a few hours, go to the library, maybe help you get a hotel room" if we needed.

o   what?!?! haha

o   that's crazy!

§  Yup!

o   my dad has walked in on me twice haha

§  >< 

§  That's horrible!

o   not actually doing it, but fooling around

o   I thought it was hilarious!

§  That's what blankets are for! Especially if you know your parents are in the house.

§  As long as no-one was mortified or scarred, I can see how that would be amusing.

o   ha the second time the girl I was with ran off the bed and pulled all of the bllankets off the bed!

§  Hahaha!

§  That's the exact *opposite* of helpful.

o   na my dad is pretty cool

o   now if my mom had caught me that would be a whole other story

o   haha indeed

§  So why was it always one and not the other? Your dad just the guy who opens doors unannounced?

o   Idk just by chance I guess

o   he was the one who would come get us for dinner or for whatever so ya

§  My dad mostly just left us alone, and the guy's parents (only slept with one guy before I left for college, and then it didn't matter) were super conservative wait-until-marriage types, so I don't think they wanted to know.

§  The closest I've ever come to being walked in on was accidentally flashing my male roommate when I tried to sneak across the hallway to my bathroom.

o   haha oppsies

§  Oh. Unless you count cops rolling up to a parked car and turning their spotlights on.

o   bahahahahahaha nice!

§  Three times. Tulsa cops are crazy.

o   ha I guess

o   thank god for being in college and having our own places eh?

§  Very much so. Don't even have roommates now, and isn't that an enormous perk.

§  You can't put a value on doing dishes without pants on.

o   ha sometimes I hate having such a vivid imagination

§  Oh really?

§  Do tell.

o   haha well there is not much to tell

o   you are just giving my mind a lot to work with

§  Sorry. Like I said, I'm kindof shameless. Sometimes I don't consider the less-than-innocuous meanings behind conversations.

§  Sometimes I do, and am doing it on purpose.

§  I suppose we'll have to see.

o   hahaha oh really?

o   now that's just not fair at all

§  Turnabout's fair game, you know.

§  Unless you don't want me to have information to hold over your head.

o   haha I guess it depends what I get in exchange 

o   but I don't see how this is turnabout

o   I still see this as you being very fickle, on purpose, know full well what you are doing haha

§  According to you, your brain is getting full of pseudo-innocuous information that it's trying to sort through and respond to.

§  Turnabout would be bringing up specific selected information in an attempt to elicit a similar resonse.

§  And fickle? Really? I've been called bitchy, a tease, bitter, cruel, and a myriad of other adjectives and descriptive phrases. Never fickle, though.

o   haha I like fickle because it does not come with the huge negative conatations

o   just because you are teasing me, doesn't mean it is a negative 

§  Oh, I'd hope not.

§  And I'm still anticipating your return volley.

o   ha well I asked for all I got, so I suppose you will have to ask to right questions 

o   I have no idea where to begin to set out to just start teasing you hahahaha

§  Insisting I come up with questions is a bit frustrating, I'll admit.

§  Alright, what sort of themes come up in these notebooks of yours? Are these journals, or straight poetry?

o   ha if the conversation had the tone that I thought it had then my notebooks are not going to continue that tone at all.

o   well now that I have completely fucked that up

o   my journals are just full of my ideas for poems or self reflection, they are definitely not journals, but they contain a lot of where my poetry comes from, nothing majorly personal just not things I want to share.

§  Jeez, sorry. I actually fell asleep accidentally.

§  D'oh. Time for up and toward work!

 

So after that we were texting a bit today, about the movie mostly but also the conversation, and I got about four hours of sleep (talking ended ~6AM, but I called into work and took a couple hours off to sleep), and after work today if all goes well I'm going be donating plasma-slash-teasing Finn. I guess we'll just see how that goes?

The only downside, besides that he doesn't give a shit for grammar, is he's only 5'6". Not as much of a deal breaker as I expected, actually. Of my five-step process:
1. Dark hair, not longer than chin length, but not a buzz cut. Glasses.
     - Contacts, I think, but he *owns* glasses. The hair's right. 95%
2. At least 6'.
     - Obviously not. 0%
3. Not way too skinny, not incredibly overweight.
     - Seems average-sized, on the slim side. Works on a ranch so I assume the tossing me around would happen. 100%
4. SMART!
     - Seems to be. :) 100%
5. PASSIONATE!
     - Obviously. 100%
~6. Into me.
     - No idea. But it seems he might be?

Anyway, between he and the other (don't want to use up all my pseudonyms, and I hate remembering them) guy, I've been convinced to enroll in a different section of my fall poetry course. Looking forward to that!