Up Up and Away

Homework or masturbation? Ha! Is that really a question.

So I'm almost definite my same-age fun-loving friends kindof suck. Hung out today with a pair of married grad students, played Doctor Who-themed Monopoly and Wii Sport (Sword Fighting) and was invited to a rousing game of Munchkin on Thursday. I also realised that I'm seriously upset that one of my coworkers is moving to Minnesota in July. He's absolutely amazing and I'm going to miss him. That said, the reasons he's leaving can't be argued with, and I am so frickin' happy for him. I guess cliches exist for a reason.

I guess I'm really moving on. I've mostly stopped calling him asshole, so that's something. We chat, and it's awkward, but sometimes it's good. And that's good.

Who needs men? I've got a vibrator.

Fifteen minute guaranteed orgasm. Wonder if any guy can boast those stats. Ah, so that's the solution to the impossible "horny": take it into my own hands. Seems to work.

Life is stressful and my spring break sucked, thanks for asking, and I'm back on an omnivorous diet and ate a stack of thin mints. Way worth it. Also three grapefruits in the last three days, and that was worth it, too.

One of these days I'll get trashed in a bar and have messy drunk sex. For now, it's pink and nine inches long and satisfies me just fine, thanks.

Text Communique

So he sent me a message in German, misspelled and mistyped, and out of the blue. Exactly the sort of thing that would have lightened my heart when we were dating. My response: What the fuck? My text response: Por que? Turns out he read it in a magazine; made him think of me. My response: What the fuck? How dare he! I didn't do or say anything, but I thought it, and I think it's legitimate. He's allowed to think of me, sure; I can't stop that. But does he really get to say, Hey. I don't love you. I don't want to be with you, and I know it hurts you. But you're awesome, really. And I saw this thing and it made me think of you. No big deal.

ASSHOLE.

> One Week

At this point I know what grief feels like, and I think I'm moving past it. Cyclic.

Food (Day 2).

Breakfast/Lunch:

1/2 Grapefruit

Strawberries

Cashews

Green Smoothie (same as before).

Dinner:

Take-Out Chinese:"Bean Curd & Mixed Vegetables," vegetable fried rice, 2 spring rolls w/ sweet&sour sauce. There may have been something not entirely vegan incorporated there, but I enjoy the break from the monotony.

Snack: Two large glasses soy milk. This is pretty interesting, because I would never consider cow milk (regular milk, as I still think of it) a snack. I certainly wouldn't pour some to take to a friend's.

Other: I did have a few sips of some disgusting bitch beer tonight. Might have been more tempted if it tasted good, but found myself pretty well turned off. And my roommates were cooking bacon, and I really thought about grabbing a fast food cheeseburger. And yet.

Also: My digestive system's been acting a little differently, and I've got two hypotheses. 1. I'm not separating my liquids/solids like I'm supposed to (drink juice 30 to 45 minutes before eating solids), and so my system hasn't worked that out. 2. Something to do with soluble/insoluble fiber? I haven't exactly worked this out, but from what I've read it's supposed to go away in the next few weeks. We'll wait and see.

Bitchy music still makes me smile, but I'm really figuring out that I can move on without him. Considering packing a box, calling it "Not waiting." Heh.

Oh! On donating plasma. I'm going again tomorrow, but Wednesday it was 43 - MUCH higher than the usual 38 (scraping the bottom of the barrel). I'm thinking veganism might really stick.

The Trick to Getting Over You

A steady diet of chick pop, veggies, and fingernails. And maybe one of these days I'll go to bed without feeling lonely.

Relationship Detox: Veganism

Since this blog was already me talking, it'll be a convenient spot to hide my untoward thoughts on food. That is, I really don't have an animal rights activist streak in me. I'm attempting this for ME. For my body, my health, and yeah, to keep my mind off ol'whatshisname.

Day 0.5:

Lunch: Delicious CHICKEN casserole at some friends'.

Driving Snack: About twelve handfuls of raw almonds, soy milk. Very filling.

Dinner: Non-vegan pasta. Bowtie pasta, corn, black olives, italian dressing and FETA CHEESE. Leftovers from last week, so shouldn't happen again.

Late Night Snack: Green smoothie (romaine, cucumber, spinach leaves, honeydew, banana, orange juice).

Day 1:

Lunch (woke up at 2pm, so whatevs): Large glass of lemon water (1/2 lemon squeezed into 16 oz. of warm water with a bit of honey). More green smoothie (same as above). 1/2 grapefruit, handful of strawberries, handful of raw cashews.

We'll see how this goes. I'm supposed to donate plasma today, and my iron's perpetually low. Green leafy vegetables are supposed to bring it up, so we'll see.

Introduction

This is where I'm purging all the thoughts I've got about the asshole who just ended our three-year relationship with a phone call. A couple of points of clarification:

1. I was dumped 3/13/12. Our three-year anniversary would have been 3/19/12.
2. We had been long-distance almost from the start, four hours one way. We saw each other approx. every two weeks.
3. GGG is a term coined by Dan Savage. It stands for "Good, Giving, and Game" and is what we should all strive to be in a sexual relationship.
4. I'm not making a blog because I want him to read it. Actually, I'm putting these thoughts here because if they sit as unsent drafts in my inbox I worry I might actually send them.
5. I'm not making a blog because I want the world to read it. These are obviously directed at him, but I don't really care what strangers think. I just need to get it out, and a blog feels like a lot more of a release than just writing.

Edit 4/15/2012

Wow, that's rather bitchy. I'm popping back in here to explain a few things.
Arch - refers to the ex. As of now, we're getting along. I've mostly gotten over my crazy.
Soprana - good female friend. Dating Mundo, though I don't know if he'll ever come into things.
Pink - good female friend, with a string of men, most of whom start with B.
Turkic - the new guy? We've been seeing each other a week as of now, and I quite like him.

Edit 5/19/2012

All those letters refer to the same people, but Turkic is now also an ex (though I don't know we were ever really dating) and synonymous with "asshole."
Finn is the current friend with very nice benefits, but this might get complicated soon.
I'll keep you updated.

Edit 7/15/2012

Dear Couple is some good friends of mine, a married grad couple. Called Dear Husband and Dear Wife seperately.
As of today, I'm sleeping with both Finn and Cross.

Edit 9/10/2012

That's not (exactly) how it sounds. Basically I had a summer full of sex -- with Turkic, Finn, Cross, Hardy, whatever -- and then got over myself. I'm seeing a new guy for a few weeks now, Hot Rod, and I think it's pretty serious. I'm on good terms with all of the exes, yes even the ones I called asshole, and I wake up most days with a smile on my face.

Your Woman

I knew this way at the beginning, and I'm still trying to figure it out -- but I knew this would happen. Your wife will be good, conscientious. She'll like pets and going to church and will hate blowjobs. She'll think anything above the knee is scandalous, and she'll have her degree in something she never cared too much for, but it's a backup career if she turns out to be barren, and you'll cry together and talk about adoption. And you'll have a wonderful life, you really will, and that loose edge where you feel you have to toe the line every single moment will only drag a little, and I hope you find an outlet - porn or alcohol or long vacations by yourself - something where you can be yourself and think of that woman you used to know with whom it WOULDN'T HAVE WORKED, but by God you wish she were around to ask about your sexual fantasies, to say that you're exactly right how you are, and maybe there's something wrong with me. Maybe I'm not exactly perfect the way I am, but I'm not in the business of changing those that I love, so I don't think I'll be pissing off the world anytime soon. One of these days I'll find a man who is head over heels, completely blown away to be with me and he'll probably be bothered when I pop my toes in bed but he'll work to distract me, rather than hold on to me tightly. And I guess there are a lot of things wrong with you but I suppose I'm easy to please, and you're just not so. And one of these days you'll have to make concessions, and it might just kill you. Whoo. Good luck with that.

Don't Speak

This is what I want and how I feel and this song - I never realised how many of the words I knew by heart. And I didn't realise how much it describes RIGHT NOW. And I hate you. And I love you. And I really just don't understand. I...can accept the way you're thinking but not how you came to those conclusions. I can't believe you hurt me like this. So fucking oblivious to my pain - and what? You want me to thank you for not dragging it out? You're cowardly and insignificant. I keep telling you to leave me alone because as much as I miss you - as much as I miss what I thought you were - eventually I come around to the disgusting, foul truth. And I don't want bacteria anywhere near me. So thanks for opening my eyes and helping me grow - as a person, as a writer. It's funny that you'd use passion as your excuse, because passion is the one thing I don't think you ever comprehended about me. You're motivated, obviously, but you really don't have the passion in your daily life, that inner spark that would offer you some possibility of succeeding in architecture. That's why you fake it - why you want the glasses, the "designed" things to surround your world. You simulate an architect's world in the hopes some of it will rub off. Sorry, hon, but it doesn't work that way.

Thoughts

So we're both the dumpee, so if you don't end it now you'll lose the chance?

You're unhappy when you're not with me, so you want to not be with me?

Y'know, I never knew you'd been the one to break up with Aly. You going to remember me as a psycho bitch, too?

A week before our third anniversary. At least it's a good story.

Well, here's the opportunity I always wanted to listen to my playlist of pissed-off ex-girlfriend songs.

At least I didn't learn you were the kind of guy to break up without any fucking good reason after four or five years. Thanks for that.

After three years? After Germany? If you were ever gonna think long-distance SUCKS TOO MUCH, wouldn't then have been the time?

Did you not consider that maybe I want to be with you? That I don't WANT to be with anyone else? That you're saying, "Hey. You love me. I love you a lot, so this isn't gonna work. Sorry." FUCK YOU.